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 The Unknown Fairy, mostly about Musa's daughter, Haylie |
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 Jul 19 2008, 10:32 PM
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Cosmix Fairy
Group: Journalists
Posts: 4,880
Joined: February 19 2008
From: +1 isolated rock in the atlantic
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The Unknown Fairy
Haylie
Haylie was a sixteen years old independent fairy. Her personality fitted with her father, Riven, not very social. She loved instruments though, just like her mother, Musa. Haylie could play her fluote all day long if she could. She didn‘t like friends, but still some girls got hooked to her because they thought that otherwise they would get hurt. Haylie didn‘t make an attempt to scare them away, she just used them to get her some stuff.
Haylie did not mention her father without being asked. She did not feel good about it. After her father left to Domino in order to help Princess Bloom and her parents raising it after the found of them. He had been there since Haylie was three years old. Her mother didn‘t leave with him because of Haylie. Riven had contact for the first three years. Then Musa and Haylie didn‘t hear a single word from him. For a few hours in a row Musa locked the door into her bedroom and cried. Haylie hated to hear that and went outside and played her fluote for hours instead. But sometimes Haylie locked herself in her own bedroom and started to write letters to her father. She stopped sending them on the other hand a while ago since Riven didn‘t ever reply. Instead Haylie collected the letters in a book and kept them.
The only thing Haylie remembered about her father is a sentence he said before he leaved. Haylie knew that she could never, ever forget that sentence. „I promise, my dear Haylie, I promise, I will come back after my job is done.“ Her father said just before his leaving. „you promised.“ Haylie wrote in every letter she wrote. „you promised me“
{BIG EDIT} Chapter rewritten
This post has been edited by dittadulla: Aug 19 2008, 10:20 PM
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Jul 21 2008, 8:06 PM
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Cosmix Fairy
Group: Members
Posts: 3,850
Joined: September 7 2007
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Well, this is a chapter length I could grunt out in less than an hour. If you're going to be doing chapters this long, you might as well make several updates a day to make it worth our while, because otherwise you will take forever to get anywhere in this story...
Just like Inu-Yasha. ^_^
Seriously though, you've presented us with something really short and without substance. Musa has a daughter, we know nothing about her in the slightest, and you attempt to hook us with the question on why t3|-| pR1|\|C3$$3$ are a no-talking issue with Musa. So what? If you're going to make a first chapter should be long, like four or five pages. You can do that, provided nothing distracts you, in an afternoon. Or at least people OUGHT to be able to do this. Have a general idea about what you want in a story, and in the first chapter, actually focus on the progatonist and show us what they're like. We must truly grow attached to the heroine/hero before any occurrance of the plot will interest us.
We have a girl, fine. Her name is Haylie. Put some time into showing us her character, her likes and dislikes, her attitude, and personality. Once we have at least a general understanding of Haylie, THEN bring this issue into question.
Not saying the plot is bad or anything; you haven't posted enough for me to make my declaration. The execution, however, is painfully lacking. If you need help with this, I'd be willing to offer some advice.
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