Breakway (a Blooms Fanfic), its a story about how bloom finds her parents Options

[stellafan]

it an really new here(i actually joined today!) i wanted to write this fanfic about how bloom finds her parents and stuff..i just hope you like it

Chapter 1:Unexpected news

the girls where having breakfast in Alfea's dining room.
Suddenly, lots of owls flew into the room and delivered the students' mail. A white owl gave Stella her daily magazine (she reads the fashion column).
Stella: At last! How am I supposed to go shopping without my fashion report?
Before she could open the mag, Musa grabbed it from her hands.
Stella: Hey! Wait your turn!
Musa: It’s important!
Layla: What happened?
Musa: Bloom, look at this!
Bloom looked at the headline shocked!
Bloom:Oh my God! Listen to this:
After many years,the king and queen of Akillian,former king and queen of Sparx,decided to declare a new princess of Akillian,since their two daughters,princess Daphne and Bloom are dead. Queen Marian and king Oritel believe that this is the best for their kingdom.
Flora: Bloom, are you OK?
Bloom stood up and walked towards her dorm. Flora followed her.
Bloom: My parents are alive!*started to cry*
Flora:Sweety........
Bloom: I just can't believe they could replace me so easily!
Flora: That’s because they don't know you're alive! We have to find them and tell them the truth!
Stella barged into the room.
Stella: That’s right! They are YOUR parents and this is YOUR throne!
Bloom: It’s so difficult for me to come face to face with them.
Flora: But we are here for you and we will always be!
Bloom: I know guys! Thank you!
The others came in too.
Musa: Shut do you say? You always wanted to meet your birth parents and this is your chance!
Bloom just smiled and they all hugged
.
i will write next chapter when i get some replies

[winxclub-joy]

nice starting, continue ^^

[MorriganAensland]

*puts on constructive criticism hat... then adds the Sadism Badge, because if I'm gonna do this, I might as well make it fun like Yahtzee Croshaw does*

First of all, writing a fanfic in script-based manner is very, very controversial. The few times it's worth it is when you put a great amount of description into what is going on, which you did not do.

Second, the plotline itself seems a little weak at the moment. Considering how many times Bloom has saved the whole damn Universe a-la Mary Sue-ism, I doubt her parents wouldn't know she existed. If you're doing this as an AU fanfic, then *give some notification of that*, preferably right away.

Lastly, not many people like it when a character becomes Angsty McAngston at the drop of a hat... which is exactly what happened to Bloom here. If a character is believed to be dead by their parents, they should feel happy their alive and she knows where they are. All the problems and whatnot are easily solved by meeting them.

Don't get me wrong, you actually put some effort into this, find some inspiration, and you can probably salvage it. But you're going to need to seriously work for it.

[P-girl]

Some constructive critisism, please don't take it the wrong way.

I agree with Morrigan, the script format is something controversial and akward to read, at least for me. It also goes to fast-paced for me, take your time, describe things, let things work on the characters (I hope I said that right.)

[mightymarty2]

Good first attempt better than mine listen to P-girl and Morgan and you can make it even better than it already is

[BloomKianna]

It's great, thanx! I love it! When is the next entry comin' up?

[stellafan]

Chapter 2:Upside down

Bloom: Tecna, can you tell us where my parents are?
Tecna: They live on planet Akillian, at the royal castle.
Musa: Then we have to go there and find them!
Layla: its not that easy to come in touch with royals. It won't be easy to get in the castle with permission.
Flora: It would be better if we first go to Akillian.
Tecna: They would be more logical. Stand back!
Tecna was covered with a green glow and then all the girls disappeared and reappeared on Akillian,in front of the royal palace.
Stella: its okay almostly a big as solaria….
The palace was blue-green with golden streaks on it.
Musa: Let’s go!
She run towards the big gate and two swords cut her way.
Musa: Huh?
Guardian: You are not allowed to go in. Do you have an appointment?
Flora: No, we just want to see the king and the queen.
Guardian: Ha, ha! Who do you think you are to demand something like this?
???: What is going on?
The girls turned around and saw the beautiful figure of the queen standing behind them.
Mariam: Well?
Guardian: Those girls wanted to see you without permission your Majesty!
Mariam: And why would you like to see me young ladies?
Stella*pointing at Bloom*: This girl here is----
Bloom: LOOKING FOR A JOB!
The girls were shocked.
Bloom: Yes, your Highness, I am looking for a job at the royal palace as a servant!
Mariam: Beautiful! And what's your name honey?
Bloom: My name is B....... I mean Mia!
Mariam: All right, and your friends? Are they looking for a job too?
Bloom: No, they just came we me for support!
Mariam: Mia, would you like to come in with me? We are going to find a place for you.
Bloom: Thank you, your Majesty, thank you very much!
Bye guys!
Girls: Bye!
The Winx girls left and Bloom walked inside the castle with Mariam.They walked through a huge hallway, and then they got in a huge living room.
Mariam: Edna!
A really short woman, whose height was up to Bloom's knee, walked inside and bowed in front of the queen.
Mariam: Mia, this is Edna, a royal councelor and the staff manager. Edna, this is Mia, she wants a job here.
Edna: So.... hmm...You are going to work as the maid of the new princess!
Bloom felt a pain in her heart. The new princess, the new girl who is going to take her place.
Bloom: All right.... what was that?
They all heard a barking coming from the other room.
Mariam:It's Lady, our royal pet!
A beautiful creature came into the room. She looked liked a wolf dog but she had a foxtail and she was white with golden streaks and blue eyes. Strangely, when Lady saw Bloom, she run and jumped on her happy.
Mariam: This is the first time I see Lady do that! The last time she did it, was when my second daughter Bloom, was born!
Bloom: Ha, ha!
Lady really loved her.
Edna: Now stop playing and follow me, miss. I will saw you your room and give you your uniform.

[MorriganAensland]

*again decides to serve the role of the constructive critic*

Okay, chapter's a bit longer, that's good. However, you still ended, in my opinion, prematurely. Usually when you write, you should have one of two concepts for length.

The first is a preset length, which have done and still do. That works fine when you have a good sense of how the story should go and you make sure each chapter builds on what happened before it. On the other hand, there's also writing a chapter and having it continue until the focus or subplot the chapter dealt with is resolved.

In your case, not much happened in this chapter, and in my opinion, it would've been better to pad it out, go a bit further in and explain, among either things, why Bloom just didn't say "Yeah, my name is Bloom and I'm alive."

[sapphire]

tis story is very familiar... i think i have seened the same story in another forum...

[stellafan]

yup in 4 kids forum

*again decides to serve the role of the constructive critic*

Okay, chapter's a bit longer, that's good. However, you still ended, in my opinion, prematurely. Usually when you write, you should have one of two concepts for length.

The first is a preset length, which have done and still do. That works fine when you have a good sense of how the story should go and you make sure each chapter builds on what happened before it. On the other hand, there's also writing a chapter and having it continue until the focus or subplot the chapter dealt with is resolved.

In your case, not much happened in this chapter, and in my opinion, it would've been better to pad it out, go a bit further in and explain, among either things, why Bloom just didn't say "Yeah, my name is Bloom and I'm alive."

okay..i jst have a little time so i post short stories..sorry! and bloom didnt say like that because she was a bbit scared and nervous
and do you mean i should change my story type like-
"my name is b...i mean mia" said bloom ..you meant it could be better if i write like that?

[MorriganAensland]

Writing it out in normal narrative format is for the better. Few people can do it effectively, and usually only in certain situations. And in regards to having a short period of time to work with in posting, decide what you want accomplished first of all, and then work towards it. Another technique that helps is to not just continue each chapter from the point that you left off, but in some cases when it's easier to jump ahead a bit in the plotline and then explain what happened. When I do that in my writings, I usually will have someone say something and explain what's happened since the last chapter in a sentence or two.

[winxclub-joy]

In 4kids forums, I kind of like this story.
continue!

[stellafan]

winxclub figured out that bloom's parents are alive and they live in a place called akillian bloom was really nervous in meeting her parents and she lied to them telling them that she was mia and was looking for a job in the royal castle as a servant.She was been appointed as a maid of the upcoming princess of sparx

CHAPTER-3.NEW JOB
Bloom followed Edna into a beautiful bedroom. The walls were blue and there were four medium size beds with red covers lined in front of a big window.

"This is your room"said edna "your going to share it with three other maids"
"thank you" said bloom
"And this is your uniform!" said edna giving bloom a black maid uniform with a white ribbon on the waist
Now put it on. The new princess will be arriving soon. When you're ready, come to the living room."

Bloom put on the uniform. It actually made her look cute. The skirt reached her knees and the corset fitted perfectly her slim figure. She ran quickly out of the room and barged into the living room. She saw Mariam, Oritel, Edna, five servants and a tall butler standing in front of her.

"ah..there you are" said miriam "oritel this is mia she is going to be gliniss's new maid"
"Well, young lady, I hope you are satisfied with your new estate. The princess will be here in a few minutes." said oritel
bloom bowed "thank you your majesty" .Now bloom was thinking 'Gliniss.... she’s the new princess. I sure hope I'm gonna survive after this! '

A guard walked into the living room and bowed in front of the royal couple "I am here to announce the arrival of duchess Gliniss, upcoming princess of Akillian."

" Splendid! Please send her in" said oritel

The doors opened wide and a long red carpet roled across the floor. Six servants came in. The three line in the right side and the other three in the left side. Bloom saw a figure coming in. The girl had shoulder length brown hair with curls and brown eyes. She was wearing a long green dress, so ugly, which made her look like a globe. But the girl was ugly herself. Her nose was like Flora’s, her eyes without glow, her eyebrows thick, and her skin had a sick colour. She was walking with the chin up, like a queen.

"hello oritel and miriam" said gliniss .Her voice made Bloom shiver. It was disgustingly high pitched.

oritel trying to smile "hello gliniss this is mia your new maid" she said pointing at bloom
gliniss looked at bloom and bloom stood still
"what are you waiting for???bow" roared gliniss
"huh? oh..i am sorry miss" bloom said and quickly bowed

"um...gliniss would you like to see your new room?" said mirian nervously
"umm.alright" sain gliniss
She grabbed one of the suitcases her servant was carrying and cruelly threw it towards Bloom. The poor girl fell down by the weight. Gliniss then did the same thing to her with other two suitcases.

"carry then to my room" said gliniss
"but.."before bloom could tell anything gliniss roared again " MOVE"
"alright miss" said bloom sadly

With difficulty, she carried the suitcases. She was going to spend a hard time with Gliniss.








hope you guys like this one

[MorriganAensland]

First of all, the transition to traditional narrative is much appreciated. Spelling isn't that bad, or if it is, I couldn't notice. Punctuation during quotes is missing in some cases -use a ',' if the statement isn't a question or exclamation-, and capitalization seems to be missing in a few places, but it's not too bad anyways.

I do have a personal qualm with describing Gliniss in the vein of the ugly stepsisters, though. I don't like the oft-used writing device where antagonists are shown to be ugly whereas the protagonists are obviously more beautiful. One of the few times I found it acceptable was in Fist of the North Star with the relationship/struggle between Rei and Yuda, and that was mainly since they were roughly equals in terms of power and influence in the story. Making a character an arrogant, ugly, squeaky-voiced antagonist -even a minor one-, strips them usually of potential redeeming values, and at the same time makes one think 'and how did they get into a position like this?'

Then again, the story's just starting out, and as I said before, with some effort you can salvage it.

[sapphire]

what happens next?

[winxclub-joy]

continue

[W.I.N.X]

Wait...were you Dreamyprincess/Saphira? If so I can't wait to listen what happens later, I read right to the end before the site was changed. Sorry for my ramblings if you're not Saphira!

[stellafan]

continue

CHAPTER-4. Survival

the butler escorted the two girls to the princely bedroom. As they were walking up the stairs, Lady passed by. When she saw Gliniss.She barked and tried to scratch her.

"Ah! You monster! Wait until I become a princess and I’ll lock you up!" said gliniss trying to push lady off her
Lady barked again. Angrily.
"Calm down girl." said bloom to lady
Lady obeyed and sat down quietly.
"That’s the only useful thing you’ve done up to now"! said gliniss looking at bloom.

They all continued their way through beautiful hallways, dining rooms, libraries and offices. Finally, the butler stopped and stood in front of a blue-green gate.

"and now may i show you your room ..miss gliniss"

He opened the door. The room was the biggest one Bloom had ever seen. Her first thought was:” This is even bigger than my house!”.It was beautiful. The walls were blue; the bed was huge, with red covers and golden pillows. Lots of pillows. The curtains were deep red with golden paintings on them and the blue floor was extremely clean. The bed was across the door. There were four huge windows lined in the right side and a long silver wardrobe in the left. The big dressing table was silver with blue streaks and the room’s bathroom was almost all golden! Bloom was just looking with her mouth open.

"you mairy"said gliniss
"huh? my name is mia miss"
"Whatever! Put my clothes into the wardrobe and then prepare the bathtub for me!"

Bloom started taking out the clothes from the suitcases. All of them were gowns. After an hour listening to Gliniss whining about the way Bloom was hanging the dresses, she was ready to make the bathtub. When she was finished, Gliniss came in.

"now get out! I want to be alone!" said gliniss and bloom left angrily
"MIA!!!"

Bloom run into bathroom and found Gliniss covered with a towel

"you are such a moron.This water is too warm"
"but miss-"

Gliniss grabbed Bloom and threw her into the bathtub harshly.

"NOW MAKE IT RIGHT!! YOU WONT LEAVE ME UNTLI I AM SATISFIED"

Without complaining, Bloom made the bathtub again. Fortunatly,”Queen Gliniss” was satified. Of course, she didn’t thank Bloom.But Bloom was finally free. At least for the whole night. She went straight to bed, because listening to such a high-pitched voice complaining all the time can be exhausting.

[MorriganAensland]

More making Gliniss into a complete and utterly terrible person. I honestly feel this is getting to the point of being overkill, or as TV tropes refers to it... Raping the Dog Hopefully we'll get some plot advancement next chapter too, since you're getting into the swing of things again.

[W.I.N.X]

Don't worry i've read this the writing gets brilliant later on in quite a while but it's great then...