Life is a puzzle, and i hate puzzles Rating Options

[{§hani}]

I dont like speak about my misery much but lately ive noticed im getting extremly depressive.
and i know im ususally pretty depressed although im a great actress (i cover it up too well)
But the other day i had an argument with my momie about switching schools, she thinks i should move to a smaller high school with better academics for my intellegence (if you can call it that)
and i have friends there and i do want to go, but was afraid i'd miss my friends here too much and that i wouldnt get to do the same art courses i love going here! i guess i just suck at letting go.

So i ended up in tears and she asked me why i was so down, i have no idea why or how i could say this but i said i wanted to die and be with Tyler(my bff who passed away) i told her i didnt care who suffered once i was gone because i hate this world so much i'd never not for one second think how it would've been if i stayed. Its weird because i want to live but i hate my life right now.
and i dont want to wait until i turn 18 so i can be free and move overseas.. but how can it be that whenever im in street art class (making stencils) with a stnley knife i feel the blood in my wrist pound harder and i keep imagining an open wound of blood on my wrist, and i can almost feel the pain of the thin cut.

i know im complicated and way to emotional.. and i know its not everything thats going wrong with my life.. but i'd bore you all if i write it all.. can you help me? or understand me?
am i going insane or suicidal?

[P-girl]

Well.... considering suicidal toughts and insanity are intertwined......

Please don't do it. If you don't want to live for yourself, do it for your deceased friend. You really think she'd be happy if you took your own life?

[{§hani}]

^w^' Tylers a boy lolz

anywho thanks, i always think of him when i look at my wrists. He tried to kill himself sevral times the only thing that kept him going was music and friendship. i guess i should take after him and live for my music and art. *sigh* i just seems so useless.

[P-girl]

It's not. I know that losing a dear friend so early can be painful, but ending it..... just makes it go round in a circle. Even tough you said you don't care, your death will hurt people, just as much as you're hurting.....

[{§hani}]

yeah i know you're right. I feel so bad because i love my little sister so much and my mom and dad and friends... even you guys online would be hard to say good bye too.
I just hope to god it all starts lightening up.. my mom always says she thinks i need love.. well a boyfriend. and maybe i do. but i kinda feels wrong when you were in love with your best friend. err im so complicated *drinks water*

[P-girl]

Such things will always feel akward..... I'm sorry, I'm not as eloquent in situations like this.

[{§hani}]

oh dont worry you're still a great friend! i mean you made me remeber why i need to be here. even if its not for that long i still should stay for everyone who loves me.

[P-girl]

Thank you, that's great to hear.

[dominoprincess]

Please, dont focus on the bad things in life.

I know how it feels, for them to eat you up, but you cant let them! Focus on the things you enjoy in life, such as your art classes and your friends. Also, you mention how much you love your family, spending time with those you love will speed up this process.

The hardest bit has passed, you've told your Mother how unhappy you are and shes been alerted of you situation. Time, as silly as it sounds is a healer.

Stick in there, dont give up on life! Every time you feel yourself slipping lower and lower, or feel that there isnt much going for you, speak to your friends and family! Get your feelings out, keeping them locked up inside doesnt help, they just get even more bitter, and more intence!

I've been in a bad situation like yours. You need to stick in there. Time changes everything. Remember there are people who love and value you. Dont ever let go of that!!!

[mightymarty2]

A lot of people have felt suicidial at some point me included but ultimatly it sounds like you have other good friends try using them to distract you from your worries and sadness. Also you are going through a potential change (moving schools) so you need to take a step back and see what is best for you and if the school is not to far away you can still see your friends from your old school should the move go ahead. I think its best to decide whats best for you and why put this in a list and then go to your parents with them as they don't always know best (i wanted to business studies at GCSE told no did it at A level and was at a disadvantge).

I hope this helps

[Tom273]

i know im complicated and way to emotional.. and i know its not everything thats going wrong with my life.. but i'd bore you all if i write it all.. can you help me? or understand me?
am i going insane or suicidal?

sorry to hear you feel that way... i am also feeling that way right now. I am also complicated and emotional, most people around me don't understand me at all. I hope you can find positive things and start to think positive about yourself. I used to think negative hating myself and all but i realised i am fine just the way i am, eventhough i am bad at social situations. We all care about eachother here at MC and we are always here to support eachother. Im sure you have many people who care about you Shani ^^ including me and everyone here at MC. you should try to focus on the positive side of things even if it is hard to do. That's all i can think of right now and good luck!

[{§hani}]

thanks everyone you're all so nice.. and i guess your all right. i ough to start looking in the mirror and start to like what i see.. hopefully i can push myself to be happier.
i think whats pushed me to the limit was last semester when everything just crumbled beneath me because i couldnt handle everyone.
i mean i had new subjects and teachers and my best friend passed away, then people started treating me like a child because they knew i was going throgu ha rough time. then i started failing my classes and i skipped a few because i didnt want to hear what my friends had to say to me. i mean i think i lost grip on reality and i only just got back... and i'm losing it again. i'm just glad i have people like you guys to help me out.
sometimes friend in real life can brush you off, i'll never know why they do but hey. i cant change them. *sigh* thanks (:


Tom, thats really nice. i'm glad theres someone like me that i know. *hugs* and thanks for caring about me.

[Fortress Guy]

I am glad you have friends at the school you may transfer to. That is always helpful. I would not stress too much about the art. Unlike some classes that can help challenge your intelligence, it is easier to challenge your art skills outside of the academic setting.

You can make anything happen with your art if you really want to. You can turn every piece of paper and street corner into art. I have been doing art for many years -- formal training and my own. You can learn in both, believe me. If you want to get better at art and keep growing, nothing can stop you.

You never know what adventures lie in the next chapter of your life. I have turned many corners in my life feeling a little depressed only to get revived by something very special and unexpected waiting for me. I wonder what good stuff is waiting for someone as talented and intelligent as you?

FG

[{§hani}]

:) thats awfully nice of you fortress .. i really hope you're right and that i can make something of my art i just feel so hopeless sometimes, when no one really appreciates how smart you may be. Iremeber last year i did VCD (visual communication & design - like drawing) and i wanted an opinion on my realism peice and the teacher just told me she thought it was absolutly perfect.. so i said alright thankyou.. but i like critism it helps me improve. and i felt like she didnt want me to grow as an artist. Then she gave me a poor mark for the subject and said i was an avereage artist. TT_TT
ii really didnt understand that.

[Winx4eva!]

I know how you feel Shani, I have a simalar issue. I feel depressed alot, I feel like just wanting to die. Just to get it over with, by letting the pain consume me and spit me out, dead. But you know what? I just think of my upcoming birthday or Christmas, with all the joy and pressies. With everyone happy, inculding me. I start to get excited, because I want to live up to then. And to the next one and the followings. I try to look towards the bright future, the joy that follows and dances along with the happiness. Sure, the past holds disppear and bitterness, like the death of your best friend. But that doesn't mean it'll occur again. Even if it does, like I said to Tom: If a fire burns down the forest, it'll mend itself together back to beauty.

About the Changing of schools...It's always good for a change in life, I switched schools. To be honset, I didn't want to, I cried and pleaded. I wanted to stay with my friends. But I ended up going, and I'm loving it there now! Sure there was a few issues about fitted in...but I managed! And I'm happy.

And no one is an average artist! Everyone has a wacky and weird touch to them. Sometimes, you don't have to believe the teacher and what she says, Go ahead and show her what you are made of!

*Gives Shani a hug* :3

[{§hani}]

:3 thanks *hugs back* hehe i never like my birthday much though, its always pretty lonely. aywho i'm looking forward to my aunty coming to visit in january. so i want to be here to see her. i remeber last november, i went overseas and i was so scared of flying. i thought i was going to die, and my bff was alive then so i cried days before because i didnt want to die and leave him and everyone here. its ironic cuz sometimes i'd give anything for an aroplane crash.. but at the same time i want to live until im old and have childreen and grandchildren :3

[Winx4eva!]

Awww....that's a pity =(

I'm not that scared of aeroplanes, it's the fact that is: You are kilometers in the air and far away from the ground, scares me. Also Bomb scares, when I first went into a aeroplane the captian annouced a Bomb scare and we were in the air at that time, in the air. Let's just say I wasn't that pleased....xD

You see? You should live up to then. Maybe till you are 103! Then you can have great grandchildren or something like that...=P

[{§hani}]

haha yeah, great great grand kiddies

wow a bomb scare? wow scary, i hail you for being here today!! =DD
i traveled Quantas ( a dodgy line these days, used to be the best) and there was the fire people waiting at the place jsut incase we crasshed!! i was **** scared, but i was watching batman XD and the joker so i was happy

[Winx4eva!]

Lol, I still remember that day clearly. We had to have an emergany landing by the air port on the run-way. 'Please depart from the aeroplane as quick as possible, leave you lugguage behind, please remain calm. There will be buses outside the aircraft to transport you to the main center.' meanwhile, I translated like this in my head, 'GET ON THOSE BUSES BEFORE THE BIG METAL PLANE EXPLODES' xD But fortunately, it was just a prank from some terrorists. Nothing exploded. Lol, I was very glad.

Fire people? Nearly Crashing? Dodgy airline? Sounds like a scary trip o_O Glad you are still here.

[{§hani}]

aww that sounds freaky O-O

yeah it was a super scary trip i shat myself XDD