Legend of the Sky Riders Options

[CyberZero]

Prologue: A Recollection of Bloom's Lost Memory.
The Sky Riders.....They were once a highly advanced civilization that lived among us in the clouds. For many years they kept peace when all else failed. Even in times of peace, they trained to sharpen their skills. They were seen as the most powerful beings alive. Until that one fateful day....A race of dark beings known as the Necros launched various subtle raid on Sky Rider settlements. Many deaths and casualties came from these raids. Those that survived went into hiding. Since the Necros couldn't find the survivors, they assumed they were dead. However, before they could declare victory a powerful warrior cursed all the Necros, leaving them unable to rule. Now, the only way for the Necros to achieve their goal, is to swear their allegiance to a dark lord. But that will be the moment they will be at their most vulnerable, and the time the Sky Riders will strike. But they will need help from others to succeed, and the outcome of this war will decide the fate of the universe.......

Micky Cantar: This Prologue has been brought to you by Monday Night Combat's, Survivitol!
Do you have many enemies, explosive temper, cheating on a spouse? Well whatever it may be, Survivitol's healthy elixir ensures you live a long and healthy life. Survivitol!!!

Please note products advertised by the MNC, are not real.
This is only the beginning....

[P-girl]

The Meta advertising doesn't work.

There was no indication that this was a TV broadcast, radio broadcast or anything else that might've justified it or have it make sense. If you want to do something gimmicky like that, you gotta try harder. It worked in Watchmen because it was usually about something that transpired and because it was clearly a seperate piece from the story. (And Alan Moore is a genius) it worked in Galactik Football because it clearly came before or after a news feed within the Universe. With both, it's to show how the world the comic/Tv-show works, to get a feel of the universe it's playing in. Here? Right out of nowhere with no context whatsoever and serves no purpose.

[CyberZero]

L

The Meta advertising doesn't work.

There was no indication that this was a TV broadcast, radio broadcast or anything else that might've justified it or have it make sense. If you want to do something gimmicky like that, you gotta try harder. It worked in Watchmen because it was usually about something that transpired and because it was clearly a seperate piece from the story. (And Alan Moore is a genius) it worked in Galactik Football because it clearly came before or after a news feed within the Universe. With both, it's to show how the world the comic/Tv-show works, to get a feel of the universe it's playing in. Here? Right out of nowhere with no context whatsoever and serves no purpose.

I'll remove the MNC stuff then.

[MorriganAensland]

Eh, this is a lousy start. Exposition makes for a poor introduction on average, and you certainly didn't draw attention to the fact this is somehow connected to the Winx Club. I mean, holy hell, I actually missed that "a recollection from Bloom's lost memories" thing my first time skimming it.

And P-Girl's right, the meta thing isn't done very well either.

This is your introductory chapter, you need to give it enough meat to hook the reader, and all we have is some dull exposition that sounds almost like it was a mix between Warhammer 40K and Avatar the Last Airbender.

[P-girl]

It had to do with Bloom? Didn't even get that. What does it have to do with Bloom? Lost memories? She has been on Earth since she was a baby. Her earliest memories (Well, her Sister's and her Stepfather's earliest memories....) Are of being carted off to Earth by Daphne and being found by her firefighter Stepdad. And trust me, this stuff doesn't sound like it happened on Earth. At least not during HER lifetime. It just sounds like a half-hearted attempt to make it Winx. You could at least go for a Winx girl we don't know so much about. Like Tecna. Or Flora. Or Diaspro.

This post has been edited by P-girl: Sep 12 2010, 3:13 PM