Why the Nature Loved, A story I made with my friends and acted out age 10+ Options

[Abdu 6b]

Okay I've gained my courage to start "writing" again after I lost readers from my last creation. This is the first third of this chapter.
BTW I've changed the title to Why Nature Loved, as P-girl said Why the Nature Loved doesn't roll off the tongue, and when writing the topic title I forgot the question mark.

Here's the thing when you see this font it's the narrator "speaking"

When you see this font it's the main character named after me (Abdu) writing in his diary (he'll say dear journal)

I'll begin now!

Chapter one: The raindrop
"Okay, school starts at 9:10, and yet we always show up between 8:35 to 8:45 and then wait 20 minutes for Dalton to show up!" Abdu said.

"So?" Michelle asked.

"Whado ya mean 'so', it's raining, lets walk to Nature Loved," he replied walking under branches of four trees that always 'roofed' their imaginations, a place he and his friends lover, and no sidewalk or concrete, so they called it 'The Nature Loved'.

Julia didn't want to hear them argue so she quickly interrupted and began singing a song by her favourite singer Taylor Swift.

Jenna, Michelle and Zoey walked under the Nature Loved quickly to avoid the rain. Looking toward east they saw Dalton running with his hood on and turned to each other in bewilderment.

"Dalton you finally made it by 8:45," Abdu exclaimed.

"8:46," Michelle said.

"Smartypants!" Abdu replied and a cold Ontarion September raindrop dripped from a pine needle and onto his nose.

This post has been edited by Abdu 6b: Mar 9 2010, 1:29 AM

[P-girl]

Alright, two things.... the title is a bit akward. Why the Nature Loved? Doesn't really roll off the tongue, doesn't it? Why not just 'Nature Loved'? Or 'Why Nature Loved' if you want to keep the 'Why' in the title.
Second.... this is more of a technicality... but your Author's notes (That's what I think is that little sentence in between the double parenteses next to the title) should either be gone, or at the beginning, or the end of the document. Or else it can break narrative, messing with the story's pace. If it's really, REALLY important to add in that particular spot, I advise to use an Asterix to show there's some additional info* For the rest.... well, can't really say. It's not bad, but a little bit small, so I can't pass judgement yet. Also, the part ends rather abruptly.


*See? Doesn't break the flow as much as adding it would.

This post has been edited by P-girl: Mar 7 2010, 2:42 PM

[winxclubrox23]

Yeah, I agree with what Pgirl said. Perhaps change the title.

Also, I'm not sure if your planning to add on to this chapter or what, but definitely considering making it longer. It's a tad short.

[Abdu 6b]

Alright thank you very much for the advice I will add more onto this chapter and edit the first post, and off keep this is in mind for the future.

[Abdu 6b]

Chapter one: The Raindrop

"Okay, school starts at 9:10, and yet we always show up between 8:35 to 8:45 and then wait 20 minutes for Dalton to show up!" Abdu said.

"So?" Michelle asked.

"Whado ya mean 'so', it's raining, lets walk to Nature Loved," he replied walking under branches of four trees that always 'roofed' their imaginations, a place he and his friends lover, and no sidewalk or concrete, so they called it 'The Nature Loved'.

Julia didn't want to hear them argue so she quickly interrupted and began singing a song by her favourite singer Taylor Swift.

Jenna, Michelle and Zoey walked under the Nature Loved quickly to avoid the rain. Looking toward east they saw Dalton running with his hood on and turned to each other in bewilderment.

"Dalton you finally made it by 8:45," Abdu exclaimed.

"8:46," Michelle said.

"Smarty pants!" Abdu replied and a cold Ontarian September raindrop dripped from a pine needle and onto his nose. "The rain is coming in, how pleasant," he said sarcastically.

"Oh well, it's just rain," said Jenna.

"Ya I like rain, as long as it's not soaking through my shoes," Dalton added.

“Well the mud here is so wet that we’re sinking in,” said Zoey

“I agree” added Julia. Although Julia had a confident personality she barely ever spoke, and when she did she would use short sentences but with long words, accept for when she couldn’t think of them.

Jenna looked at her pants which were soaked from the rain. She felt sick, her legs tingled her head ached and she fell on the ground.

“Are you...” Michelle, her best friend out of the group began.

“You okay?” Dalton finished, who secretly liked her.

Jenna sat up and looked at her legs, but they weren’t there. Instead there was a mermaid tail on top of her pants and rain boots.

Next it was Abdu’s turn to fall into the mud and transform, then Dalton, Julia and lastly Zoey.

"Are we mer..." Jenna began.

"Don't even say it!" Zoey interrupted. She put her index finger on a scale, then her middle finger, her thumb and then her full hand. To her surprise, the tail heated up and the water evaporated from her scales. Her tail changed back to legs, leaving her bewildered. Her pants were still under her, but her skirt was still on.

[{§hani}]

not bad

[Abdu 6b]

Thankies, I'll post more tomorrow

[Chimera]

Ohhh i love it ! very creative Abdu <3

[MorriganAensland]

Alright. First thing I was going to point out was chapter length, but you went back and fixed that. The chapter was still kind of short but I could tell that it had a solid beginning, middle, and end.

I kinda cringed though that you named on person after your own account name; typically self-inserts in stories don't work out too well.

Dialogue is a weird-case of hit and miss. Some people are able to talk in a way that lets me grasp their personality... and with others that's not the case. Anyways, just take things slow and make sure things don't just seem like you're throwing in exposition in a clunky way.

[Abdu 6b]

Thank you both so much, for the advice and compliment, I considered for the next chapter and typed it out on my homecomputer but internet won't work there so I'm unfortunately unable to continu the story. This might be my last post so bye...