Zoey was inside cafe mew mew talking to elliot about her not having anough money when they heard dren "its been too long zoey I have been waiting pationtly but now I'm not" zoey walked outside seeing dren "dren" she shouted then mark came running hearing zoeys voice dren took this oppertonity and swooped down and grabbed her by the waist "I'm taking your princess" dren shouted out to mark before flying of.
Back at cafe mew mew
"I wander why zoey is not here yet maybe she went home and started making out with mark" said corina "I hope your right" renee said worridly
Somewhere in amarica
"'Dren where am I" asked zoey "just shush will you" dren said annoyed "i asked you a question now answer me" she said that then slapped him straight in the face.
"hey dren" said sardon who said with no emostion in his voice "what is it sardon I'm busy trying to shut zoey up from having a go at me"
"Well that's your fualt for bringing her here then mr I think I know it all" "sardon shut up" dren yelled at sardon then tarb walked in
"aw nice one dren you had to bring that annoying hag with you Didn't You" tarb said wilst starring at zoey
"What did you call me you midget" zoey screamed at tarb and came running at him punching him in the face
I will continue with the rest soon
You might want to watch your punctuation, capitalisation, spelling and grammar.
Hi.
I almost never read "Creative Writing" posts and I don't mean to bother or discourage you in any way... but you just throw us away in the middle of the desert and give us a pair of paddles... Is this a FanFic of a TV show or something? which one? or should we have to know the characters on your story from somewhere? anyway i think it needs an intro or something to set the stage and mood of the scenes before the action dialogues starts...
And... write it on Word or something that have spelling check or something, and this "," is very useful to help the readers to understand what you are saying in the right way...
Anyway... Just speaking my mind...
have a nice day
She's probably writing about Mew Mew power or Tokyo Mew Mew for Japanese purists. But yeah, bad form to not inform us.
Sorry about the spelling and other stuff I can't spell proplay
Spellcheck. Or perhaps a Beta-Reader. I'm free next week.
Mew Mew Power, since she's using the American names.
Right now, it's lacing cohesion. Drel never just appeared on his own to face the Mews, he made sure he had a chimera anima to back him up. And why did Mark just suddenly appear? And if Zoey was kidnapped while talking with Elliot, why couldn't he tell he others what had happened? On that note, why didn't he do anything to help while she was being attacked?
Well before she got kidnapped he went inside and well mark he just finished his kendo thing and was going home till he heard zoeys voice so then he came
....
Why didn't you put that in the story?
I forgot sorry if it was confusing
It's awight, that's what we're here for. I used to have the same problem, of knowing things in my own head and not remembering that the readers didn't know it as well (I still have problems with it, actually). You just have to make sure things make sense to someone who doesn't have all the information like you do.
Ohh