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alicia_musa
post Dec 3 2011, 2:37 AM
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hey everyone upon my role-play of a zombie apocalypse i am writing a novel about one. using different people. here is chapter one
"mom. mom? mom answer me!" i just sat there. waiting for my mom to wake up. finally she made a mumble noise. i sall her eyes they were the eyes of death. i took my sword and said "sorry mom." and with that her had came off. i ran to the window, opened the blinds and looked out. nothing to see only the woods and a couple of zombies. "mark!" i ran out of the room. he was shooting them with arrows.
he looked at me and told me "look in the closet i don't think im running out any time soon." and sure enough he was right. there were bags and bags of arrows. "we should get going." i told him. i turned around and went into the kitchen. i opened the fridge and all my dads beer fell making a loud noise. "what happened." my brother said running down the stairs falling on his face. i ran over to help him.
"no i don't need help but we both need it." he pointed to the radio and jumped up. i ran to the radio and turned it on. "hello. please do not go near the city. there are allot of zombies and you don't want to lose any of your group." i hung up the radio but did not turn it off. "brother we should-" i looked around and i did not see him. then he jumped behind me and scared the **** out of me. "lets get our stuff together and get out of here.


(on paper it is 2 pages long by the way)


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P-girl
post Dec 3 2011, 10:35 AM
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You might want to work on your capitalisation and overall spelling and grammar. Names should ALWAYS have a capital letter at the beginning. As does every word at the beginning of a sentence. And 'I'.
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alicia_musa
post Dec 3 2011, 1:40 PM
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not every sentence
icon_confused.gif


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P-girl
post Dec 3 2011, 1:41 PM
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Yes, EVERY sentence. It's the bare basics of grammar.
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W.I.N.X
post Dec 3 2011, 11:11 PM
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If I may offer some constructive criticism :)

Not only that, but you're already moving a little fast. Your character just offs her, I'm guessing, mother without remorse. Now this I could understand if she had been a seasoned killer, but from this it just seems like she's a young person with the ability to but who has only really killed a few times before. I feel like she'd actually show some sorrow killing her mother.

It's not even that she killed her mother without waiting, tha wouldn't be the problem, but you need to put more details to shape your character. Otherwise, we just have a boring Mary-Sue. And your character can be cynical and hardcore, but even those characters can have a weakness. That's good. To go with a similar genre, look at Tallahassee from Zombieland! He is die-hard, but his one undoing is the fact he lost his son to zombies.

Basically, I think you need more detail to better your characters. Otherwise, it's just a lot of narrative played out by cardboard cut-outs. I want to know something about these people to be actually interested in their story. For that reason, a little more background information could be good. Like, you don't have to do an introduction chapter saying "I am _______, I am ___ years of age, the Zombie apocalypse started ____", or anything. In fact, I'd say it's okay to retain some ambiguity in the first chapter. But more details like "Kills were never hard for me" (for example, tying in with my first gripe) could just make your story that bit better.

At this point, the grammar is probably more important, but this is good stuff to keep in mind for after. Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm sure you'd like to deliver your best and be proud of what other people are reading, so I just thought I'd throw in my 2 cents =)


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alicia_musa
post Dec 6 2011, 10:37 PM
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ok thank you thank was actualy very helpful i showed my other friends and they never said anythng like that but i will tak your helpfull tips and try to do better next time.


This post has been edited by alicia_musa: Dec 6 2011, 10:38 PM


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DeadInside
post Dec 7 2011, 7:49 AM
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LOL, Pgirl your comments are way too funny with that cat on your avatar...
Ok back to the topic....

As i said last time i almost never enter in "creative writing" topics so i don't really know how people use to work here, yet i want to speak my mind in order to see if i can give any help.

Im not even close to be a expert on this yet i think that:
First, this need an introduction to know what's going on, you said is a novel so there is no need to know backgrounds before stepping into the reading it like in a fanfic things, so you have to introduce the reader into the situation and the background of the story. If you know the info that helps the reader understand better the story don't keep it for yourself.
Right now your story has missing 3 vital things: One, background. Two, situation and Three, Descriptions.

The background is as i said before a some text for the reader understand what's going on in the world of your story, this is not necessarily in the beginning depending of the narration and the "narrator type" but it has to be somewhere or is like start watching a movie that starts like 30 minutes before you get to the cinema.
Close to the back ground is the "Situation" what in movies or animation is know as "Establishing shot", for example your story start and we don't know where they are, you did not said anything about time or space or location, we start assume things as the narration goes on, so I assume that at the beginning it was the mother room but when you said "i took my sword" you lost me is this present time? who have a sword on his house and why the main character carry it to the room where the mother was sleeping? as continue reading l kinda figure it out the time/space then who the muffin is mark? is the brother or is someone else? and the last point i have to said is a description of the scenes and the character motivates the mind of the readers more and moves them more into the story, actually in stories like this descriptions of the environment and how it feels makes the reader get into the right feeling making the reading more enjoyable.

thats pretty much it, hope not to bother you
Good luck.


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P-girl
post Dec 7 2011, 9:11 AM
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Hee. Thanks. I love me some zombie kittens (It's a kittified version of Hsien-Ko from Darkstalkers, basically a Chinese Zombie)

Elaboration:
Alicia started a Zombie Apocalypse Roleplay which she wants to novelise. No problem, however, yeah, your critisism is valid. I know most of the backstory because I'm part of the roleplay, but darnit, even I was lost when I read this. You need to establish things. I don't mind In Medias Res per sé, but it's difficult to pull off.
ALso, because it's based on a roleplay, I might be back once 'my' (It's based off a video game character so I can't really claim too much ownership) character makes an appearance. I'm curious how you characterise him.
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DeadInside
post Dec 7 2011, 9:42 AM
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I know its Hsien-Ko. LOL

Well it can be based on the text of that game yet, if she want to write it as a novel/tale/story she should collect the facts of what happen on the game then redact it on the appropriated way...
The idea of novelize the collaborated-made story of the RPG is to make it an standalone text and make it able to be read and understood by anyone without being a player of the game... if that were not the case it would be a simple resume of what happen in the game...

This post has been edited by DeadInside: Dec 7 2011, 10:10 AM


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P-girl
post Dec 11 2011, 11:23 AM
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Heh, sorry, been hanging around with the wrong crowd for too long. I had to explain it quite often on other fora.
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DeadInside
post Dec 19 2011, 9:07 AM
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Well, i used to play Darkstalkers a lot back then, yet my favorite 2d fighting game will always be KOF98

Anyway... back on topic.
I don't know.... My opinion was like I said not knowing how people used to work in here and I know Im very good on blowing someone's card castles down when i try to help LOL (reason i almost never post my critic/opinion on fan arts or thinks like this) so, i hope this improve and continue and not get thrown away...


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alicia_musa
post Dec 19 2011, 8:29 PM
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oh it wont im re-writing it anyway (re-read almost cried) i relized how many mistakes i had so im going to put more thought into it. because i have been reading alot of books latly and they put more detail in it so im going to try that too.


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P-girl
post Dec 19 2011, 8:59 PM
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Alright. Sounds good. I'm looking forward to your work. Just remember: it's not a race. Just take your time and it will all work out.
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DeadInside
post Dec 20 2011, 5:21 AM
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Good to hear it, good luck.


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alicia_musa
post Dec 20 2011, 7:46 PM
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thank you and ok


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