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Bakugarua, this is an adventure on another world |
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Aug 1 2010, 3:18 AM
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Bloomix Fairy
Group: Members
Posts: 523
Joined: October 29 2009
From: canada, ontario
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hello this is my first peace of creative writing. i will appreciate all of your reviews
Prologue
This is a story of a war on another world called Bakugarua that has been going on for centuries. Well until the four great kings created peace, but they knew this peace would be temporary so they created the 4 clans named after them self’s Bone, Blade, Beast, and Element and when the war were to start again they would be reincarnated to stop it. And to make sure nothing happened to those clans they were sent to another planet called earth were the separated until the time came when they would be needed again.
It was 500 years after the war ended when a war was caused by the two dark clans named: Death and Kaosu. And then a beam of light hit the capital of bakugarua and the four descendants were summoned to the great church of Kami, in the country oh Hikari. Were they were trained in magic, swordsmanship, manners, and logics, and how to summon the book of there clan, for the next 6 years they lived at the church, on there18 birthday they were sent out into the world of bakugarua to stop the wars with there mysterious power, and each one with a mystery of a past.
This being the beginning of the crazy adventure of Bruce William, Sky Bloom, Jaclyn pence, Alex Lee. As they were sent out they were separated and tasked with finding there partner, then their real mission will start.
This post has been edited by demon: Aug 1 2010, 1:19 PM
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Aug 4 2010, 5:05 AM
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Cosmix Fairy
Group: Members
Posts: 3,850
Joined: September 7 2007
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Yargh! At long last this story has given me some ammunition and it's time to get underway with my critique!
First of all: pacing. HOLY COW the pacing! Your first "chapter" (barely more than a footnote, really) has this Bruce guy taking down a group of thieves in the space of two sentences. This is something you shouldn't do. Seriously. It could have been a great way to see what Bruce's personality and mannerisms were like and give us a feel for the way the story will go. You pretty much breezed by it without bothering to put any effort into it.
Going along with this, you really just breezed through *all* of this, putting in the bare minimum. Don't just *tell* us these things about the setting and some backstory, that's not good storytelling nor good exposition! You're not immersing us in the setting and it makes me, as a reader, feel very detached from everything. This is fine if you're writing a summary for a chapter and not the chapter itself, or if you were writing something with the pacing and style of the Bible, but you aren't. Keep this in mind.
Also: grammar. You have words mispelled ("witch" most oftenly), and names are in lower case. You need to work on this.
In fact, you need to work on pretty much everything. Yes it's hard but it's critical if you want to keep writing this that you seriously work on it.
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Hey, look! My sig's back!
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