That special song Options

[Chimera]

Ok im bored, so i am going to tell a little story that i made at school and i absolutely love !
i hope you like it too <3
the name of this story is That special song i enjoy music and really i dont think when i write i just do it !

That special song:

it was a sparkley day as all the stars twinkled in the sky like a dimond.i went out side as the fresh breese cought in my black silky hair.there i stood infront of a lovely lake that i always went to when i was feeling down and lonely.a tear streamed down my face as i looked around, i could barely see with that tiny tear, it may be little but powerful. i always thought the littlest things are the most powerful like lightning.

(i dont have much time but i will continiue with more tomorow thank you for reading :))

[P-girl]

Er.... capitalisation. Capital letters at the beginning of every sentence, every name and also every I used as the first person. Spelling. Some of the words are spelled wrong. Grammar. A space after every sentence before you start the new one. Also.... using adjectives like 'silky' in first person.... makes your character sound a little arrogant.

For the rest, it's to small to judge the story itself.

[humbu111]

I like it, it has a nice feel to it ^^

[Chimera]

Thankyou P-girl i will take that into considiration :),

It stricked twelve at midnight and everything went dark.I slowly walked up to my cottage, that was falling apart into old peaces.I opened the dusty door as i tip toed to my room trying to avoid the squeeky sound of the floor.When i finally got to my room my eyes waved around looking at the mess.I fell on to my white cosy bed and opened up a dark deep purple record player that had been on my bedside table for at least 20 ansient years.I remembered a song that had always been magicly special to me as if a rainbow covered my life.I grabed that record with pleasure and slipped it in to my old grouchy record player.This sound then started drifting like a feather out of the record.It was like a splash of red, blue, yellow and a drip of gold with a hundred special thoughts that i could never discribe.When i begun to think it was just a lazy good to be true dream a thick pure black thing flew into the air and covered the hole seeling with bad thoughts.I pinched my self stupidly thinking it was a dream.I reached up to the sealing on my tip toes and touched the black thing.

(To be continiued. . . .)

[MorriganAensland]

Argh. Stupid forum hiccup. It made me double post... so yeah, just ignore this post and look down at my next one.

This post has been edited by MorriganAensland: Apr 24 2010, 2:31 PM

[MorriganAensland]

Well, P-Girl beat me to the first big critique of the first chapter, which was punctuation, but there's still a few other things.

So far, not much has happened. What <i>has</i> happened for the most part is fairly cliche, like the whole "one single tear going down my cheek." That should really only be done in cases when someone's ridiculously stoic and you want to show their shell breaking while at the same time not undoing their characterization. In this case, we don't know much about the protagonist, but she doesn't seem to be a stoic, and crying just because her favorite place was deserted makes no real sense.

Also: the purple prose. Holy cow the purple prose.

You don't need to always throw in adjectives to make sentences longer. You throw in too many words to describe something and the sentence will end up just dragging for no good reason.

"I fell on to my bed before opening up the record player on the nearby desk." flows <i>much</i> better than "I fell on to my white cosy bed and opened up a dark deep purple record player that had been on my bedside table for at least 20 ansient years."

Remember, you're writing this from someone's perspective... people usually don't ramble on like this for a whole sentence without reason. If the character had spent a paragraph describing her bedroom, that would have been perfectly fine; it would have let us get a grasp of her living conditions. Going out of your way to just randomly throw in information during a sentence is inefficient storytelling and can leave people confused.

[{§hani}]

P.Girl. First of all she's 11 give her a break about spelling and grammar. And second of all you just sat there and raded the crap out of her story. How constructive is that? I’m sorry but she's my sister and to see someone such as your self completely criticise her story is plain nasty. And if she wants to make her character sound arrogant she'll do so.

Morrigan. Honestly how old are you? Stop critiquing an 11 year old girl who doesn’t even know the meaning of Protagonist yet. She's not 15, she's not writing a novel to please an editor. She's writing a story for fun, because she wishes to. So don’t come here and criticise her like she's some 20 year old who cant read yet. Now secondly I'm almost completely sure that you didn’t care about spelling at 11. I’m sure all you cared about was getting words on paper as best you could.


Now either put a stop to your little 'criticism fest' or ill make a complaint about you both. And don’t take this as a personal attack but i care about my sister alot and its plain rude how you come and criticise her when all she's doing is writing for fun. ITS NOT A NOVEL STOP IT. and if you want to argue with me about it, Don’t I’m not here to start a fight I’m here to tell you, you both did wrong

[P-girl]

Woah, take it easy. We're just trying to help by saying where she can improve. Y'know, something I yearn for in reviews I get. I admit, getting these 'OMG Squee! So Good!' reviews are nice, but they don't help me improve my writing. And that's what Morrigan and I want; to help aspiring writers become better. And sometimes, that means pointing out flaws.

I warned her for her character sounding arrogant because it was quite obvious she didn't mean to. I tried to help her.

Also, reporting on us for giving an opinion? Yeah, that's infringing a very important law: that of free speech. One I hold dear.

[Chimera]

All i thought was, yes i agree with my sister Shani. P-girl and morrigan you were a little harsh since i dont really care about capitilization, all i like in a story is feelings and to get the message through.Thank you for the help in my spelling and all that but i dont really care about all that.I dont really enjoy people pointing out flaws all though yes i agree it does help in my writing but it makes me feel un confortable.
Look, all i want to say is that i just want to live in peace and could we all apolagise, please :)

[Jahnavi]

Guys, I don't think P-girl or Morri meant to come across as rude...this is just what they do. They're just trying to be helpful. =)

This post has been edited by Jahnavi: Apr 27 2010, 6:27 AM

[P-girl]

Indeed. I never meant to hurt people, I just wanted to help. And even if the story is about feelings, this doesn't, in my eyes, give a free pass on questionable capitalisation. Most of my stories are about feelings to, yet I really care about proper capitalisation and grammar.. It's good to see you want to improve, but this 'I don't care for capitalisation' is, and I'm just being honest here, a bit disheartening. Writing, including the technical bits like grammar and capitalisation are important to me, and I feel (I FEEL, people. An opinion, not a fact) that they should be followed if you want to be a good writer.

This post has been edited by P-girl: Apr 27 2010, 7:02 AM

[mightymarty2]

Firstly shani please avoid the c word

Secondly it was never P-girl's and Morrigan's intention to cause any offence to Chimera they often do this in the same way to other peoples work in this section of the forum. Its most probably best if this whole issue is dropped and left alone.

[Chimera]

P-girl, Im sorry if i hert your feelings and of corse every one is different.Could we just solve this know ^_^

[Chimera]

Ok this is for every one who is reading, please it was an axident and i diddnt mean to cause any troble. Couldnt we just be friends p-girl, i have to learn from my axidents. <3 peace and love ^_^

[MorriganAensland]

Yeah, I do understand that it can be uncomfortable for someone to look at your story and say it's not good enough, but it's pretty clear you did put some work into this and I try to keep my reviews professional (none of this Simon Cowel "you are the worst singer/writer in the world. You need to stop embarrassing the trade") because that never really gets anyone anywhere.

... So yeah. Just throwing my two cents into this/beating a dead horse.

[P-girl]

Oh well, at least it ended well with both sides coming off as perfectly reasonable.

[{§hani}]

To be most honest i still dont agree but for the sake of forum peace, yeah whatever sorry i was so upfront but please dont be so harsh next time. Because there is a fine line between criticism and insulting. Not saying anything in particular just that im very protective of Chimi and she was upset about this the other day, so i defended her.

Anywho carry on and Marty i sent you a PM regarding language.

To be most honest i still dont agree but for the sake of forum peace, yeah whatever sorry i was so upfront but please dont be so harsh next time. Because there is a fine line between criticism and insulting. Not saying anything in particular just that im very protective of Chimi and she was upset about this the other day, so i defended her.

Anywho carry on and Marty i sent you a PM regarding language.
Oh and yeah i know my behaviour's been a little weird lately.. sorry but its been a really hard and strange week. So i apologize.

[MorriganAensland]

Everyone has rough weeks. It's okay.

[Princess-Mariah]

OK I came here to read this awsome and amazing story can we not fight please

[Chimera]

Ok carrying on with the story . . . . ..

This black thing began to twist up around my hand and the texture of it gave me shivers. Soon it had eaten me completely. Every thing was gloomy and dark, Not a persom in sight. All of a sudden out of no where a white fluresent light sparked up some where on the corner of my eye. The good thing about it was that it looked heavenly. i was starting to get bored of wierd things hapening to me but then out of the blue that tune from the record sounded to my ears. Clouds begun to apear around me and they started forming a story. First there was a young girl who looked identical to me and then a shoot of light folowed to a storn and all these complicated thoughts apeared in my head. It was as if the story was telling me some thing.