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From: Zone 6
well i'm writing a story based on my heroes and villains pics but i'm not sure what to name it so if u have any sugestions let me know
anywho heres chapter one
Chapter one Beginnings
“Come on Lena lets go home I don’t like this†Said a 16 year old girl following her cousin through the doors of a laboratory deep in the basement of Dantell High where her cousin Falena Black suspected the science teacher was working on something not only against the law but evil, and Falena planed to expose him along with the help of her cousin Kate DeWolfe. “But Kate if I don’t get this scoop now Anita will get to be the leader of the newspaper club and I’ll be pushed to the side yet again†replied Falena. Falena had always dreamed of becoming head editor of the Dantell Highs and Lows the school newspaper but her former best friend Anita Darkwater had always been one step ahead of her and always beat her, and this time Falena was determined to beat Anita
“Well well well if it isn’t little Miss Black and Miss DeWolfe are you still trying to out scoop me†came a voice from the door. “Anita how… what are you doing here†said Falena turning to face Anita “oh come now you should know me by now no mater how hard you try to stop the teachers from finding you snooping around the school grounds after hours you cant hide it from me†replied Anita “I mean what sort of journalist would I be if I didn’t keep tails on my competition†added Anita seeing the look on Falena face.
“Nessa you know this is wrong we cant betray Lena and Kate their our friends†came a voice from the other side of the room, “wrong Nessy their your friends Nita is my friend†came another voice as suddenly there was a flash of white light almost blinding Falena and Kate along with the sound of a camera shutter clicking.
“Hmmm what a perfect first story, caught red handed aspiring young reporter Falena and her cousin snooping around Mr. Osmans personal lab†laughed Anita “Argh Anita how dare you†growled Falena trying to rub the white spots out of her eyes and as she did she fell backwards knocking a beaker to the ground causing its contents to create a small explosion knocking all five of them off their feet.
---- ---- ---- ---- “Ow Lena what did you do†gasped Anita pushing a small bit of wood off her legs “gah its your fault Nita that flash literally blinded me†replied Falena pointing at Anita however as she did a beam of fire shot from her hand setting a small bit of debris on fire “how did you do that†gasped Anita pointing at the fire however as she did a stream of water shot from her hand extinguishing the fire.
“I think what ever it was that was in that beaker it gave you two some kind of powers†said Nessy standing up “I wonder if we got powers too†replied Nessa looking around “well why don’t you try something†added Kate
“Uhm ok†replied Nessa closing her eyes and concentrating and suddenly a flower burst from a bit of the debris “wow did you see that†said Nessa brightly “Way to go Ness you can grow a flower very impressive†replied Nessy “I think we should get out of hereâ€
“Good idea sis†replied Nessa “except one thing the exits blocked†“I might be able to help†replied Kate focusing however the only thing that happened was two silver guns with gold accents appeared in her hands. “Ha guns that’s your power†laughed Anita “Oh I’m sure theirs more then that†replied Kate pointing the guns at the debris blocking the exit and as she fired two shots hitting it dead center and the debris was blown almost entirely away “Wow†gasped Nessy “I wonder what I can do†added Nessy and with that she held her hands put infront of her and a strong wind blew from them removing the rest of the debris “ok now lets get out of here†said Nessa walking towards the door followed by Nessy who was followed by Kate “you coming cuz†said Kate turning to look at Falena “you go on ahead I need to talk to Anita†replied Falena “ok†said Kate before leaving the room
“Ok Nita if you don’t tell anyone about me and Kate looking around down here I won’t tell anyone that you and Nessa caused this†said Falena “Deal†replied Anita before leaving the room followed by Falena.
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From: LOOK BEHIND YOU
There was an RP 'round here that was called Heroes and Villains, I think that's why she was avoiding that.
As I already said in about three other places, awesome story! =3 I'm excited how all the stories of the characters will play out!
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RIP Falicia (AngelDarkstorm, Anime-Princess) :: 01/19/1990 - 05/25/2013 :: I love you, Sisser. "I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying." ~Oscar Wilde
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Well, interesting idea, but you really could have done more to explain what's going on. For one, you had a bunch of really long sentences that had a lot going on in them, and there's no shame in making smaller ones and adding more description. It was also kinda confusing that you introduce all these characters and I didn't know what they looked like at all until I went and took a look at your pictures, and at least a bit of token describing would be appreciated.
But hey, keep cracking on it and give it your all.
Group: Honor Members
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From: Zone 6
ok so here is the second chapter
Chapter two Evil is brewing
BEEP BEEP BEEP rang Falena and Kate’s alarm clock “is it morning already†yawned Falena hitting the snooze button “five more minutes†mumbled Kate sleepily and Falena nodded falling back asleep. “wow you two sure are lazy this morning aren’t you†came a voice from the door Anna Falena’s little sister was standing at the door “you two might want to see this there’s something on the news about a science lab at your school being completely destroyed†“What?†gasped Falena sitting up “Yea the schools closed for the rest of the week while the police are investigating†replied Anna “Kate get up now†said Falena throwing her pillow at her sleeping cousin “and Anna we’ll be down in a moment†“Ok†replied Anna leaving the room “Ok okay I’m up†mumbled Kate sitting up “Come on we have to see this†replied Falena literally dragging Kate down stairs --- --- --- ---
“And we cross over to Onya Brightman reporting live from Dantell high “said the news anchor on the TV “thank you Aaron as you can see behind me the police and chemical containment unit are investigating what appears to be at the moment a minor explosion in one of the science labs in the school, as to what was the cause of the explosion is completely unknown right now but right now they are considering it arson, and now with us we have Elizabeth Gray the principle of this school and Professor Osman the head of department for science†said Onya as a lady in her mid thirties with her hair pulled back in a tight bun and wearing a brown suit along with a man in his forties wearing a black shirt and long pants along with a lab coat.
“Miss gray is there any students or ex students from the school you think would want to do something like this?†asked Onya “No I don’t believe any of my students or former students would hold such a grudge against this school to destroy the science block†answered Miss Gray
“this just in it has been confirmed that the destroyed lab was indeed professor Osman’s lab, professor would there be anyone who would on purposely try and destroy your researchâ€
“No Onya I don’t believe that anyone in this town should be against the research I was doing but I cant say for sure as there could always be someone wishing to make it out that I’m doing something against the law†replied professor Osman With that Falena changed the channel ---- --- --- After watching the news Kate went into the kitchen to get herself some breakfast whilst Falena headed upstairs to get changed “Kate we need to go make sure no one finds out what really happened†said Falena quietly to her cousin after coming back downstairs wearing her jeans and a black t-shirt “ok I’ll go get changed†replied Kate heading upstairs.
“So where to first†asked Kate after coming back downstairs in one of her favorite outfits by her favorite designer and other cousin Eliana Black, a red and black Victorian Dress? “Wont you be hot in that†asked Falena “No the way Eli designed it for me its actually quite cool†replied Kate “Ok then I thinks we should go see Nessy first†replied Falena before leaving the room to find her mum “Mum me and Kate… “Started Falena before her mother interrupted her “don’t you mean Kate and I†this made Falena sigh “fine Kate and I are going out we’ll be back later†“Ok sweetie and can you go see Eliana while you’re out and tell her she should come over for dinner tomorrow as I’m cooking a roast†“Ok mum see you later†and with that Falena and Kate left. --- --- --- “Hey Lena isn’t that Anita†said Kate pointing to someone in the distance with ice blue hair and wearing a dark blue outfit who appeared to be turning the street up ahead into a river “God I thought we agreed to keep this secret†sighed Falena as they got closer “Ah Lena I see you made it†laughed Anita except she wasn’t the normal Anita “Anita what are you doing†said Falena quickly using her powers to evaporate the water “Oh at the moment you can call me Aqua, Aqua Tina†said Anita smiling “I thought we agreed not to let anyone know about our powers†said Falena “oh yea we did but that was I found no one recognizes me at the moment†replied Anita with a laugh “anyway time for me to go bye bye†and with that she walked away “oh man we’re going to have to do something about her but first lets make sure Nessy and Nessa are keeping the secret†said Falena sighing --- --- ---
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Ugh. Again, too much happened and not enough time describing it. The conversations are trite and I am not really getting any grasp of anyone's personality and also...
PUNCTUATION.
Everything's devolving into run-ons. It's not as if it's that hard to add some periods and commas where they're supposed to go.
Work on that, and also try to actually do *more* with your chapters. Yes, they will have to be longer. Yes, it might seem scary and take more work. But at the same time, it's for the best and it'll really make this story a lot better.
A story with no name, want to help me give it one
Sep 16 2009, 4:07 AM
