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my novel |
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Dec 3 2011, 11:11 PM
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Cosmix Fairy
Group: Honor Members
Posts: 3,858
Joined: February 19 2008
From: A Land Down Under
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If I may offer some constructive criticism :)
Not only that, but you're already moving a little fast. Your character just offs her, I'm guessing, mother without remorse. Now this I could understand if she had been a seasoned killer, but from this it just seems like she's a young person with the ability to but who has only really killed a few times before. I feel like she'd actually show some sorrow killing her mother.
It's not even that she killed her mother without waiting, tha wouldn't be the problem, but you need to put more details to shape your character. Otherwise, we just have a boring Mary-Sue. And your character can be cynical and hardcore, but even those characters can have a weakness. That's good. To go with a similar genre, look at Tallahassee from Zombieland! He is die-hard, but his one undoing is the fact he lost his son to zombies.
Basically, I think you need more detail to better your characters. Otherwise, it's just a lot of narrative played out by cardboard cut-outs. I want to know something about these people to be actually interested in their story. For that reason, a little more background information could be good. Like, you don't have to do an introduction chapter saying "I am _______, I am ___ years of age, the Zombie apocalypse started ____", or anything. In fact, I'd say it's okay to retain some ambiguity in the first chapter. But more details like "Kills were never hard for me" (for example, tying in with my first gripe) could just make your story that bit better.
At this point, the grammar is probably more important, but this is good stuff to keep in mind for after. Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm sure you'd like to deliver your best and be proud of what other people are reading, so I just thought I'd throw in my 2 cents =)
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Badge by Morny. Personal Photo made by sailorvs4
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Dec 7 2011, 7:49 AM
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Sirenix Fairy
Group: Members
Posts: 320
Joined: August 4 2008
From: South of Heaven
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LOL, Pgirl your comments are way too funny with that cat on your avatar... Ok back to the topic....
As i said last time i almost never enter in "creative writing" topics so i don't really know how people use to work here, yet i want to speak my mind in order to see if i can give any help.
Im not even close to be a expert on this yet i think that: First, this need an introduction to know what's going on, you said is a novel so there is no need to know backgrounds before stepping into the reading it like in a fanfic things, so you have to introduce the reader into the situation and the background of the story. If you know the info that helps the reader understand better the story don't keep it for yourself. Right now your story has missing 3 vital things: One, background. Two, situation and Three, Descriptions.
The background is as i said before a some text for the reader understand what's going on in the world of your story, this is not necessarily in the beginning depending of the narration and the "narrator type" but it has to be somewhere or is like start watching a movie that starts like 30 minutes before you get to the cinema. Close to the back ground is the "Situation" what in movies or animation is know as "Establishing shot", for example your story start and we don't know where they are, you did not said anything about time or space or location, we start assume things as the narration goes on, so I assume that at the beginning it was the mother room but when you said "i took my sword" you lost me is this present time? who have a sword on his house and why the main character carry it to the room where the mother was sleeping? as continue reading l kinda figure it out the time/space then who the muffin is mark? is the brother or is someone else? and the last point i have to said is a description of the scenes and the character motivates the mind of the readers more and moves them more into the story, actually in stories like this descriptions of the environment and how it feels makes the reader get into the right feeling making the reading more enjoyable.
thats pretty much it, hope not to bother you Good luck.
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Dec 7 2011, 9:11 AM
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Cosmix Fairy
Group: Honor Members
Posts: 35,744
Joined: April 7 2007
From: Behind a PC
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Hee. Thanks. I love me some zombie kittens (It's a kittified version of Hsien-Ko from Darkstalkers, basically a Chinese Zombie)
Elaboration: Alicia started a Zombie Apocalypse Roleplay which she wants to novelise. No problem, however, yeah, your critisism is valid. I know most of the backstory because I'm part of the roleplay, but darnit, even I was lost when I read this. You need to establish things. I don't mind In Medias Res per sé, but it's difficult to pull off. ALso, because it's based on a roleplay, I might be back once 'my' (It's based off a video game character so I can't really claim too much ownership) character makes an appearance. I'm curious how you characterise him.
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