A-random-story-that-doesn’t-have-a-title-yet-and-is-inspired-by-Maximum-Ride-and-Annie, Some PG-13 Language Rating Options

[winxclubrox23]

Here's the first chapter. I've been thinking about this topic for a novel type thing since Terri was talking about an idea for a new RP...it's kinda a long story. Anyways, I made up my character and stuff, and suggested Tori make one too. Then, we had this beyond brilliant idea to make our characters have kinda a Fax (Fang and Max for you unlightened ones. XD) type relationship. THEN, we decided it'd be a really amazing idea for a story, so here it is. I've been working on it for um...I think 2 days now. Tori helped some too, with ideas and such. I think it's coming out quite nicely.

Okay, I want to make it very clear that I want critique. I'm a tough girl. I can take it. I don't want wussy, sugar coated critique like "It's really, really good but..." I want upfront, hardcore, slap-in-the-face-wake-up-call critique. If it sucks, say straight out "That sucked." I'm serious. I can take it.

Mkay, enough of that. Here be the story.

----

I sighed heavily, as I gazed out the window. Having time to myself was rare, and I was savoring every moment of this. I crossed my arms as I listened to the steady ticking of the clock. 3, 2, 1. It chimed 10:00pm. Now it was official: I’d been at the orphanage, I mean group home, for 11 years. They always called it a group home, but we all knew what it really was. An orphanage. I sighed again. Only one more year and I could leave completely. Leaving behind Jenna and Darwin and Grayson. And Kyle...
Suddenly, I felt another presence in the once empty room. I spun around and there he was. Kyle. Speak of the Devil...
“What are you doing here?” I hissed. He only cocked his head grinning with that smile of his.
“Why do you care?” He retorted, leaning in the door frame. “Where were you at dinner Red?” He asked. “We missed you.”
We? Who was we? Jenna? Kyle had barely said 2 words to her in the 8 years he’d been there. Now he was paring them together? No way. Jenna was my sister. Well, sort of...
“I wasn’t hungry,” I replied, “and my name’s Margaret. I thought I’ve told you not to call me Red.”
Kyle shrugged. “Yeah. What’s your point?” With that, he turned, and began to walk away. “Oh, Lamoreaux’s wants to talk to you.” He said over his shoulder.
Lamoreaux always wanted to talk to me. Why couldn’t she get someone else to be her personal maid for the evening once and awhile? Just because I was the oldest at the orphanage, didn’t mean I had to be the one to change diapers and clean up messes. As I headed towards the door, my figure caught my eye in the full length mirror. I stepped closer to it, and examined myself. I picked up a chunk of my dark, shoulder length, auburn hair and examined it. God. Absolutely pathetic. I leaned closer. Were those more freckles? I swear, they hadn’t been there yesterday. Yes, I was quite the attractive one, that was for sure.
“I’d hurry,” I heard Kyle say as he walked by the room, yet again. “she seems pretty pissed.”
God, what was with him? “I’m coming,” I muttered, face flushing. That boy had impeccable timing.” Unfortunately.”
I stood in front of Lamoreaux’s bedroom. It was pretty quiet. Most of the little kids seemed to be asleep. Mr. Lamoreaux was probably in his study, or at some bar. He seemed to take every opportunity he could to get away from his wife. Or maybe us. Sometimes it’s hard to tell.
“Mar’et,” She called. “’where are ya!?”
“I’m right here,” I replied, smoothing down my hair and adjusting my ridiculously baggy sweater.
“Ge’yur ass in ‘ere then,”
“I’m coming.” I repeated, opening the door. “Yeah?”
“’where the hell were ya” Lamoreaux slurred, obviously drunk. “ya ‘kept me waitin’,” She paused, to take another swig of the whiskey bottle she was holding in her left hand. “ya kept me waitin’ fur 10 minutes.”
“I’m sorry,I was busy.” I nervously fingered the hem of my sweater. Millicent Lamoreaux was extremely intimidating normally. Drunk, she was 10 times worse. I scrutinized her laying there on the bed. Face red and shiny, eyes bloodshot, clothes completely disheveled. Lamoreaux was a complete wreak.
“Whatca standin’ ‘dere fur?” She asked, voice steadily rising, as she waved the bottle around. “’Gimme more booze!”
Nodding, I quickly rushed out of the room. Denying Millicent alcohol was suicide. I flung open the refrigerator door, and began pulling out bottle after bottle.
“Mar’et!” Lamoreaux screamed. “What’s takin’ ya so long?”
“I’m coming!” I called back, frantically picking up all Calvert, Schenley's and Black Velvet I could carry.
“Mar’et!”
I hadn’t expected her to call my name again. I dropped 3 bottles, and cried out as they shattered on the ground, the contents splashing up onto me.
“What de hell is goin’ on ‘ere?” Lamoreaux flung open the door, and stumbled clumsily towards me.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-” Before I could finish, her hand came down in an agonizing blow to my cheek. I bit my lip, knowing if I made any sound, she’d only hit me again.
“Leave her alone,”
I looked up, cheek throbbing. Kyle stood in the entrance of the dark kitchen. What the hell was he doing? Was he that stupid as to interfere with Lamoreaux’s drunken stupor?
“’Wha’ ya say tur me?” She roared, pushing me out of the way, staggering towards Kyle.
“I told you to leave her alone.” Kyle repeated, not sounding as confident this time.
I could see the outline of Jenna’s slender figure pressed against the wall of the hallway. Why did she feel the need to watch this? 7 year olds definitely didn’t need to see their older sister’s get the crap beat out of them. I was 8 years older than her, and I was supposed to be her rock, her hero. Not allow a drunken 47 year old woman slap me around. I stood, and slunk out of the room, leaving Kyle to hold his own.
“Are you okay?” Jenna whispered, reaching out a hand to touch my swelling cheek.
“I’m fine,” I lied. I hated lying to her. Although, that was completely hypocritical. I’d been lying to Jenna all her life. Telling her this and that about the life we never even had together. How she hasn’t figured out the truth yet is beyond me.
Just then, a crash echoed throughout the entire kitchen, interrupting my thoughts. It was followed by some extracolourful language from Lamoreaux and Kyle alike, and another crash. That was it, Kyle was supposed to be helping the situation, not making it worse.
“Just go back to bed,” I told Jenna. She looked at me with wide eyes. “I have to make sure Kyle’s alright. I’ll be fine.” I didn’t understand why I suddenly cared what happened to him. For 8 years, he’d been making my life even more of a living hell than it already was. Red this, Red that. Making snide remarks, offering to help...okay, I get it I have issues. For some strange reason, I hate giving up any of my responsibilities, no matter how crappy they might be. I can handle myself. Him standing up for me tonight just reminded how much I loathed Kyle.
“No.” Jenna said firmly. “I have to make sure, your alright.”
I sighed, ”Jenna...”
She didn’t let me finish. “Margaret, I’m not going to bed.”
Another crash rang out, followed by Kyle cursing loudly for the hundredth time.
I gave Jenna’s shoulder a quick squeeze, before stepping into the kitchen again. I was immediately aware of what was going on. Lamoreaux and Kyle were throwing whiskey bottles at each other. The last one appeared to have clipped Kyle’s shoulder. He was grasping, his face twisted in pain.
“Ha!” Lamoreaux roared. “’Dat’s wha’ ya get fur messin’ wit me!” All of a sudden, she appeared to have noticed me back in the room. “Mar’et,” She took a sip on the bottle in her hand, finishing it off. “Kyle and ya are gonna spend ‘da rest of ‘da night in ‘da cellar!” With that, she chucked the bottle in our general direction.
Kyle flinched, obviously wary from the pervious offense. Oddly, I felt somewhat sympathetic. I instantly replaced the feeling with hostility. It was his fault I was spending the night in the cellar with the rats and roaches and ugh...Kyle.
“Let’s go,” Millicent grabbed each of us roughly by the arm, and dragged us towards the cellar door. “’ave a good night!” She cooed, making my skin crawl. Yes, my life really was great.

[W.I.N.X]

It's really good, but remember watch which your/you're you use. In '“No.” Jenna said firmly. “I have to make sure, your alright.”' that bit, you used the incorrect one. How Margaret have an alright? I like the Miss Hannigan-esque orphange owner though. Kind of a modern version of her.

This post has been edited by W.I.N.X: Oct 8 2009, 6:36 AM

[winxclubrox23]

Aw, thanks Katie! Yeah, I'll keep that in mind. It was like, 11pm when I was writing this. Haha.

[MorriganAensland]

... I wish you would have made this longer. We've got like no descriptions at all as to how people look and it just seems so rushed and confusing. We have like no idea who half the people are, we're barraged with a bunch of names, and it ends up just leaving my head spinning. If you continue this, try to take it at a slower pace.

[winxclubrox23]

Thanks a million for the critique. That was as blatant as it gets, and I very much so like blatant critique.

I shall try to show 'er down in the next chapter. I'm pretty sure it is slow. I wasn't 100% satisfied with this chapter when I posted it, and wasn't sure what was annoying me about it. Now that I've read you critique, I agree there needs to be more character description. I'll fix that.

[humbu111]

Its really really good but lol well it was, I liked it. It did go a tad too fast, but I didnt really mind it. To be honest I dont like reading lots of text on the comp much, so it was cool the way it was. But slower next time works too :)

[winxclubrox23]

Merci Humbu.

[Toriamelio]

*clears throat* he hem?! jk