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> ~*Christmas Alone*~, Story by Friend & Me ^^ Please Comment
Wintra
post Dec 17 2010, 8:10 AM
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From: Malaysia/马来西亚 (In Mandarin)





Dear excited readers,

This is the first story my friend (Amber) and I have writted at the beginning of this year. I hope you like it very much. Please appreciate it and do not copy it for another site, claiming that you wrote it or something. This is just for entertainment. It's a bit of a comedy and adventure book.

Please comment.

Thanks,
Wintra (and Amber)


Chapter 1 – A Stranger
Mum was carrying two large suitcases to a taxi. She faced Ruth and Chloe. “Girls, I’m going to Spain to visit your Aunt Fig,” “Can’t we go too?” asked Ruth hopefully.
“No,” Mum said. “You’re too young.”
Then she stepped into the taxi.
“Now,’ she said, “I’ll call everyday to make sure things are alright.” She slammed the door shut. The taxi drove off, leaving two girls staring open-mouthed in the night.

*Back at Home…*
Ruth and Chloe were busy opening their Christmas presents and they jumped for joy. “Look what Mum got for me, Chloe, a… bow tie?” Ruth cried. “Hey, that’s for Dad!” exclaimed Chloe, “And don’t touch that pile of presents! They’re just a pile of doggy biscuits for Mrs Folicy,” “Doggy biscuits?” cried Ruth, “For Mrs Folicy, she has ten puppies. Remember?” “Yeah, Chloe. Anyway, let’s forget about the presents! Let’s do something else! Like… watch TV… play…” suggested Ruth

Suddenly, they heard the phone ring. “I’ll get it!” cried Ruth. Ruth picked up the phone.
“Hello? Is this Ruth Madison?” asked the stranger on the phone.
“Yes,” said Ruth, “Who -------?”
“I’m your Dad, of course. Listen. I forgot to bring the key with me. I’m outside your house now. Open the door.”
Chloe peeped through the keyhole.
“It isn’t Dad,” she said.
She opened the door anyway.
A tall man stepped in the house.
“Run!” Chloe cried.
They ran to the bathroom.
“That guy’s behind us!” cried Ruth. Chloe picked up a bucketful of soapy water and splashed it down the stairs.
The man slipped and fell down the stairs.
They heard an ear-pleasing thud and a bone-crunching crack. They heard the man open the window and he probably jumped out.
They walked downstairs slowly, taking care not to trip on the pool of soapy water.

*At the Airport…*
“Stop! Hey, why are you driving pass the airport?” Mumm asked the taxi driver.
The man ignored Mum and continued driving.
“Hey, you’re not the taxi driver, are you?” Mum questioned.
The man laughed and nodded, “It took you so long, Ms Madison!” He grinned.
Ms Madison opened the car door and leapt out. She fell down and the taxi drove away. Ms Madison got up and ran to the police station.

*At Home…*
“What did that man creak into our house for?” asked Ruth. “My guess is that he is a wacko and he wants to kidnap us -------”
“Stop blabbering and look at this,” said Chloe, as she picked up the newspaper. ‘Read the headlines.”
“Mrs Mallory Madison almost caught…… Hey, that’s Mum!”
“That’s not really important. Look at the other newspaper.”
“Okay. Let’s see… Wanted, Alfred Wild, 32, has… wait, he’s the one who almost kidnapped us!?”
“Yeah” said Chloe, “My guess is that his pal is the one that almost caught Mum!”


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P-girl
post Dec 17 2010, 9:32 AM
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Wait... hold on.... Now I might not be the best person to say this considering my own track record, but your story's going a bit.... fast. A lot of stuff happens in a short amount of time and leaves me scratching my head. It might also be nice to deliberate a bit on the characters introduced, especially when they're gonna get killed off.
Prose is a bit.... beige. Stuff happens, but I'm not really drawn in.

That being said, I do like the premise and I AM wanting to find out what happens next.
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Wintra
post Dec 17 2010, 2:23 PM
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Hehe, this is what two 10-year-old girls are writing so you won't expect it to be perfect-o though I only wrote 2 - 3 paragraphs in Chapter 1 while the rest is being handled by Amber wacko.gif blink.gif unsure.gif The last chapter is a bit funny, though ^^"


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P-girl
post Dec 17 2010, 2:28 PM
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Granted, it's very good for ten-year old people, yes. Especially most of the grammar and punctuation. Just trying to help out by giving pointers.
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imdepressedxo
post Dec 17 2010, 3:49 PM
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Good Job for your age icon_razz.gif


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humbu111
post Dec 17 2010, 10:21 PM
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Wow I wasnt expecting it to be so action packed lol, I like it (Y)


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Credits to Bre for the forum set, and Ditty/Esca for the userbar :D


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Wintra
post Dec 18 2010, 7:12 AM
Post #7


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P-girl - I corrected it, probably may want it to be published in future. We're just in the middle of the 4th story, the 3rd and 4th is still with Amber, for holiday purposes tongue.gif
indepressed - rolleyes.gif We're the English experts in class because, almost everyone is 'Chinese-ad', Amber's 'Chinese-ad' too but I'm not, I'm English all the way tongue.gif Though I'm afraid to say but I think my English grammer, language etc. is better wacko.gif
humbu - We're the 'entertainers'!! laugh.gif

Chapter 2 - Alison helps the girls
"Say, we can put up a secret booby trap at the doorstep," said Ruth.
"One question - how and what kind of booby trap?" asked Chloe.
"Simple, just ask Alison - you know, our cousin - she's good at making traps," replied Ruth.
"Oh yeah! And she caught ten rabbits in two unique traps!" added Chloe.
*Meanwhile...*
The two 'baddies' were planning something else...
"Hey Alfred! Stop watching stupid kiddy shows, are you still a 4-year-old?" screeched Alvin.
"What do you expect me to do? Huh? Argue with you?" shouted Alfred.
"Oh, shut up! I thought we're buddies!?! Don't you have something in mind? Like... a plan? Humph!" grumbled Alvin.
"Come on! I already have an idea, chipmunk. Let's go to the Madison's house.." said Alfred Wild
*Back to the Madison household*
Chloe and Ruth were surfing the Internet for information about Alfred Wild...
"Wait a second, sis!" said Ruth suspiciously. "This Alfred person really has a pal - Alvin! What a funny name!"
"Isn't he such a chipmunk, girls?" a voice suddenly came from outside.
"Hey! That voice sounds familiar! What do you think?" whispered Ruth.
"C'mon, let's call Alison!" whispered Chloe urgently.
When the girls wanted to pick up the telephone, the girls jumped. The phone was ringing!
"Ruth! Is that you? Are you alright?" asked their mom, Mrs Madison.
"Yes, mom!" cried Ruth, at the same time she was trembling. "Mom? I got to go now. Urgent business!" informed Ruth and she put down the telephone.
Mrs Madison muttered something to herself, "Well! Never knew Ruth was so busy! She's always in the Internet.. "
*Right outside the Madison household*
The two burgulars left the girls' house when Alvin and Alfred heard the telephone ring.
They were planning their next break-in during dinner time.
"ALFRED!!! What are you doing now? Don't you know that adults don't play with rubber duckies?" shouted Alvin.
"Oh Alvin, can't I ever do something alone without someone like you sticking your nose into everything I do!?!" complained Alfred.
*Alison helps the girls...*
Right after Ruth put down the phone to her mother, she dialled Alison's number.
"Hi! Alison! Listen up! I need you to help me and my sister to put in traps." said Chloe to second she heard Alison answering the phone.
"Oh sure... I'll just ride my bike there in... say, 5 minutes?" asked Alison.
"Yes, please come! This is URGENT! I'll tell you later! Bye!" said Chloe as she put down the phone.
Some time later, Alison came with her cute little puppy - Princess.
"Hey, Alison! Seems you've got a new friend, huh?" smiled Ruth.
"Yep. She's Princess!" answered Alison as she patted Princess' head.
"Hi, Alison! I really like your cute new doggie!" said Chloe.
"Thanks but aren't I supposed to do some traps? You two just got stuck with my new puppy!" Alison said.
While the girls were discussing their traps, Alvin and Alfred were eating lunch. They were talking about their break-in later.
"Now, Alfred," Alvin put on a serious face. "DON'T mess up during the break-in!"
"Yes, sir!" replied Alfred.


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imdepressedxo
post Dec 18 2010, 3:35 PM
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@Wintra - Oh i see, so ur malaysian chinese :) im fluent in both languages though i only speak english to friends n family but i need it to commune with my grandparents and for school of course icon_cool.gif


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Wintra
post Dec 19 2010, 5:31 AM
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Me too ^^ I only speak Mandarin at school tongue.gif


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imdepressedxo
post Dec 19 2010, 2:28 PM
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Ahhh ok


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Wintra
post Dec 20 2010, 4:46 AM
Post #11


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smile.gif


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