Bakugarua, this is an adventure on another world Options

[demon]

hello this is my first peace of creative writing. i will appreciate all of your reviews

Prologue

This is a story of a war on another world called Bakugarua that has been going on for centuries. Well until the four great kings created peace, but they knew this peace would be temporary so they created the 4 clans named after them self’s Bone, Blade, Beast, and Element and when the war were to start again they would be reincarnated to stop it. And to make sure nothing happened to those clans they were sent to another planet called earth were the separated until the time came when they would be needed again.

It was 500 years after the war ended when a war was caused by the two dark clans named: Death and Kaosu. And then a beam of light hit the capital of bakugarua and the four descendants were summoned to the great church of Kami, in the country oh Hikari. Were they were trained in magic, swordsmanship, manners, and logics, and how to summon the book of there clan, for the next 6 years they lived at the church, on there18 birthday they were sent out into the world of bakugarua to stop the wars with there mysterious power, and each one with a mystery of a past.

This being the beginning of the crazy adventure of Bruce William, Sky Bloom, Jaclyn pence, Alex Lee. As they were sent out they were separated and tasked with finding there partner, then their real mission will start.

This post has been edited by demon: Aug 1 2010, 1:19 PM

[P-girl]

I'm..... a bit put off by all the names. They're all over the place. English words, Japanese words..... a bit of consistency would be nice. This makes it feel as if you didn't put much taught into it besides 'These words sound cool'. You don't have to make it too complicated, or put some symbolic themes behind every name.... but this is just going overboard. I half expected a Serenity and a Raven to pop up.

That, and the story sounds a wee bit too stereotypical. Note that this doesn't have to be a bad thing. Most of my favorite fictional works start stereotypical, but they usually find some way to make it fun, so I can wait.

Just..... do something about the names, please.

This post has been edited by P-girl: Aug 1 2010, 7:57 AM

[demon]

i agree with you now that i think of it, but heck i'm not good at naming things

[P-girl]

Me neither, but that's why I put much effort in it. Best is to look at what the main setting of your story is. That helps out a lot. For example; one of my stories takes place in a modern American city. So I use modern names like Ian, Brandon, Ashley, Kathy...... However, origins of people are important too. Two of my characters are Chinese. So their names, Zhi and Cheng, are also Chinese. It just helps to plan ahead.

[demon]

that is true origins are important to, i was thinking of having them mixed origins

[P-girl]

Okay.... just be careful with that. Mixed origins doesn't automatically means mixed names. I mean, it can work out, but you gotta be careful.

[demon]

yea i know

[P-girl]

Well, that's all the advice I can give.... hope I could help.

[demon]

thank you, you were

[demon]

As Bruce arrived in the town of Sarina. He started walking around the town until he found a general store where he went into restock his supplies and get a map witch he used to pick witch city he would go to, witch was Nitro. After he deiced where to go next he started to look for an inn, so he could relax for the night for he was planing on leaving in the mourning.

When he woke in the mourning he looked at the map to check witch direction he would need to take to get to Nitro, he started to head west when he ran into a gang of thief's witch attacked him because he refused to hand over his possession. but they lost because he used one of his abilities and summoned a bone that looked like a staff to counter there attacks. After they all fell to the ground in defeat he continued to go westward to nitro in hopes of finding his partner.

After several fight and many days he finally reached nitro in hopes of finding his partner. once he arrived in town he started to look for his partner, but couldn't find her. when it started to get late he went to the first inn he found, as he got his key to his room, he started to walk there but while walking he didn't notice the person walking towards the desk and so they bumped into each other. After helping her up he realized it was sky.

[MorriganAensland]

Yargh! At long last this story has given me some ammunition and it's time to get underway with my critique!

First of all: pacing. HOLY COW the pacing! Your first "chapter" (barely more than a footnote, really) has this Bruce guy taking down a group of thieves in the space of two sentences. This is something you shouldn't do. Seriously. It could have been a great way to see what Bruce's personality and mannerisms were like and give us a feel for the way the story will go. You pretty much breezed by it without bothering to put any effort into it.

Going along with this, you really just breezed through *all* of this, putting in the bare minimum. Don't just *tell* us these things about the setting and some backstory, that's not good storytelling nor good exposition! You're not immersing us in the setting and it makes me, as a reader, feel very detached from everything. This is fine if you're writing a summary for a chapter and not the chapter itself, or if you were writing something with the pacing and style of the Bible, but you aren't. Keep this in mind.

Also: grammar. You have words mispelled ("witch" most oftenly), and names are in lower case. You need to work on this.

In fact, you need to work on pretty much everything. Yes it's hard but it's critical if you want to keep writing this that you seriously work on it.