The Guardiens of the keys, an RP that became a story Options

[Anime Princess]

this story is based on an MSN RP the me AM and Krista are working on, if you want to see charactor profiles plus picters go here - http://guardiens-of-the-key.deviantart.com/


now constructive critisim is greatly accepted but please try not to say anything to hurtfull as it might cause this story to stop compleatly.

Chapter one
The meeting
It was a nice cool day in the hollow as a young fairy was packing a bag she put a bottle full of water and a variety of different berries and nuts in a container. "Ella please don't leave again Pixie Hollow needs you and it's too dangerous for you out on the mainland right now" pleaded the young fairies good friend and aunt Queen Clarion, "I'm sorry but I have to go, I promise as soon as it's all over I will come home" replied Ella giving her aunt a hug before flying out the door of her home, Queen Clarion followed her out, "and don't worry I promise that I won't let anyone know who I really am unless its positively nessacary and I will be safe" said Ella before flying away heading to the main land.
Meanwhile in Halloween town a young girl was wondering through a forest heading towards Traverse Town. She knew her master would be worried sick about her leaving like this but this was something she needed to do, to clear her head of things. After a short while she reached the Traverse Town tavern.
Just after she got to the tavern another girl with light blue hair and ice blue eyes pulled up on a motorcycle. Once she parked her motorcycle she took of her helmet still unsure if why she was here. Sliding off the motorcycle she went inside and sat down at the nearest table.

Ella reached the mainland and pulled out her map to check where she was meant to be heading once she worked out the direction she was meant to be going she started flying again. After about ten minutes of flying Ella reached the Traverse Town Tavern. She was sure she was in the right place once she flew inside Ella scanned the room taking out two photos, she was just about to give up when she spotted the girl with light blue hair, and she flew towards her and landed on the table.
It was then that the girl who had came from Halloween town walked over to the blue haired girl and rather loudly she said "Oi who are you."
This caused the blue haired girl to jump and nearly spill her drink "oh hello there I'm Katrina" replied the girl her voice soft "are you one of the people I'm supposed to meet" she added not noticing the fairy on the table.
Ella noticed neither Katrina nor the other girl had yet to notice her so she just took a bottle of water out of her pack and drank it watching both the girls silently.
"Well my name is Krista and I'm not sure as I just kind of wondered off but by the looks of it this little girl here, might be" said Krista pointing at the small fairy that was Ella.
Upon hearing what Krista had said Katrina turned around to see Ella drinking her water "I'm so sorry I didn't see you there" said Katrina Sheepishly.

"Little who are you calling little I most certainty and not little I am actually quite tall for my age" screeched Ella loudly upon hearing what Krista had said luckily Ella's anger only lasted for a moment and she managed to calm down. Once calm she turned to Katrina "oh that's ok I'm used to it"
Krista looked down for a second "I'm really sorry I didn't mean to offend you" said Krista truly apologetic before mumbling "gee I'm only here a few moments and already I'm offending people.
"Just forget about it if anything I should apologise I always tend to get touchy about my height replied Ella
Katrina smiled nervously as she addressed Ella "might you be one of the people I am supposed to meet here"
"I believe I might be" answered Ella smiling as she flicked a piece of her black and pink hair out of her eyes
"So what exactly is it you two are meeting here for" asked Krista fiddling with her hat slightly
"Uhm I'm not exactly sure myself" said Katrina thoughtfully "all I know is that my sister said to me this morning that a message came through telling me to come here, so I thought I should come to see what was going on."
When Katrina finished both her and Krista turned to see what Ella had to say.
"Well from what I was told before I left to come here was that there is a gang going around attacking princesses, the reason behind the attacks I do not know at the moment but I do know that they need to be stopped.
"Oh wow" said Katrina feeling rather overwhelmed b y what Ella had said. "That is terrible; they do need to be stopped. But who asked us here and what exactly do they want us to do"
Krista nodded just listening then she decided to jump in "so is there anything I can do to help you guys"

"well I don't know who asked us here or what they want us to do, all I know is that my cousin sent me a message this morning with a map and a couple of photographs of who I was meant to me along with a brief rundown of what was going on" replied Ella holding up the two photo's one of Krista and the other of Katrina
"Wait a minute" started Krista not having any idea of what they meant until suddenly it hit her "oh so that's what that invite was about"
Before anything else could be said a disembodied voice echoed through the tavern "oh good you're all here" said the voice as all the other patrons started to disappear. A young woman with bright gold eyes and a big green faded into view, lying across the bar "I'm glad you all could make it" said the woman
Ella stood up so quickly that she fell off the edge of the table luckily she was experienced in falling off things so she could fly up before hitting the ground. "Who are you" said Ella and Krista at the same time.
"My name is Koga" said the woman rolling over to stare at the group intently "I've been sent here to tell you why you have all been called here"
"Uh where did everyone else go?" asked Katrina nervously
"Worry not they are still actually here you just can't see them and they can't see you either it gives more privacy that way" answered Koga
"Well pray tell why we have all been brought here?" asked Ella
"Yes please do" added Krista

Katrina listened intently keeping silent herself
"Because all three of you are quite much more than normal aren't you?" Koga said still wearing her mysterious grin "your abilities could come quite in useful"
This instantly startled Ella as she had promised queen clarion she wouldn't let anyone know but now she knew she might not have a choice. 'please tell me she doesn't know' thought Ella asking "our abilities?" as if to say what do you mean, her bright blue eyes widening as she spoke.
Krista thought for a moment before saying "Please all I can do is pull random stuff out of my hat" with that she demonstrated pulling an anchor, ostrich and a whale out of her hat. Katrina also gave Koga a suspicious look as she had always been told to try and keep her powers to herself.

"Yes Ella abilities, there's no need to be shy you three will be working together closely for a while and we need your help" said Koga.
"I'm sorry bit no I can't do that" said Ella softly as she flew a bit closer to Koga.
Krista nodded adding "yea my powers aren't really anything special either in truth".

"we don't have time to play coy miss Ella or time to be doubting ourselves miss Krista we need you three to help us stop the council" said Koga her smile falling.
Katrina just remained silent watching Koga closely.

Ella floated down to the point where she was nearly touching the ground "I truly am sorry I want to help but I just can't, if you really know anything about us you will know why I can't do this"
"I'll help" said Krista stepping forward.
Koga nodded to show her appreciation to Krista for agreeing to help then she looked down at Ella with a significant look. "You of all people should understand how important this task is Miss Ella"
"I know the importance but I cannot reveille my abilities and I will be of very little help without them" replied Ella
"Ella we'll help you, there are lives at stake here" said Krista having a really strong sense of justice
Katrina finally broke her silence by asking "how are you sure we all have such special powers? What do you know about us? How did you find it out?
Koga's smile returned. "We have our ways miss Katrina. Rest assured, none of the methods used posed any danger to you.

Ella remained silent for a few moments unsure of what to say and what to do.
Krista also remained silent pulling a teapot and cup out of her hat and pouring herself a cup of tea.
Koga rolled off the bar being careful not to step on Ella, who flew back up to where the others could see her.
"We can't make you do anything, but I can tell you that without your help the council will more than likely reach their goals leaving all of our worlds destroyed. We can't make you do anything, but I would very much suggest you consider it"
"I agree we all need to do our part" said Krista
Ella was just about to reply when suddenly a tinkling sound filled the area and another fairy with golden blonde hair appeared before them, "El you know if you don't help you will be in just as much danger as the other Princess's" said the fairy

The sudden appearance of yet another fairy startled Katrina again but she quickly recollected herself and stared forward at the table. Koga was right "I will help" said Katrina softly
Ella looked down she knew Tink was right "I... guess I can help" said Ella quietly
"We have to make risks Ella all of us" said Krista
Koga allowed Ella a few moments to make her decision.
Katrina turned to Ella "I know we've only just met and I don't know much about you, but... I already know that the more help we have the better the chance of us winning"

Tink just remained silent as Ella turned to Koga knowing what she had to do "the other people can't see us right?" asked Ella she knew she wasn't meant to let people know her true identity but she had to.
Koga nodded "yes we are the only ones who can see and hear you"
Krista watched waiting to see what Ella was going to do.

"whatever you do just do tell anyone what you're about to see" said Ella taking a deep breath "this is the reason I acted the way I did a moment ago" added Ella closing her eyes as she hovered in the air.

In a matter of seconds a pink light surrounded her, she began to change she was no longer five inches tall she was now the size of a short adult human. Her hair was no longer short and black and pink instead it was now long golden blond and curly and was clipped up in a bun with a golden tiara sitting on it. Her wings were no longer black and pink they were now a mix of blues and leaf shaped. She also now had a long blue dress.
"I am actually one of the princess's that the council is after" said Ella.

This shocked both Krista and Katrina but not Koga as she already knew about Ella.
"Say what" said Krista in her surprise "then what is she doing here this makes no sense"
"Ella is here because she has the necessary powers to help us stop the council" said Koga
Tinkerbell sighed "well I should head back" she said before disappearing. Ella nodded "I have the power of every fairy talent in pixie hollow as well as a few of my own and as long as I keep my true identity from the council I will be safer with both of you.

[humbu111]

Hmm its pretty interesting, it makes for a good read. Its a little confusing at some parts like I thought Ella was just kinda short not actually pixie sized until it said she's 5 inches tall, but other being kinda confusing its pretty good and I would like to read a second chapter ^^

[MorriganAensland]

...

Alright, I'll give my two cents (although the size of it implies a much larger financial amount, but whatever). Let's see where this goes.

*Puts on the themesong for Blue Comet SPT Layzner, IDOLMASTER version*

First of all: setting. This is a Kingdrom Hearts fic/Disney fic. I figured that out soon enough, but I would have preferred to know right away. When you start a story, you should at least have the courtesy to let us know at the start. That way we can go in and understand the setting and how you depict it. Before then I was absolutely confused about what was going on and when I hit "Traverse Town" I had to pause for a moment and realize what you were doing.

Second: pacing. This is your first chapter and it's not even that long, yet you made *so much* happen in it. Take it slow! Heck, spend three whole chapters of this length just to show us the three girls, their personalities, abilities, etc. The plot doesn't have to kick into high gear right away, and I've found many times you simply try to do too much with your first chapter. Pacing is one of the foundations of any story and pacing is very important at a story's start. The only time it's more important is at the end.

Third: the characters themselves. This goes hand-in-hand with the pacing problem. You introduce all these characters, but nothing really happens that lets us see how they are as people and their thoughts and feelings. We're just supposed to work with these rather bland statements about how they react. There's no inflection, no real description of how they respond.

Fourth: punctuation. Another big problem, and one that in all honesty there's no real excuse for.
- When someone's speaking, the first letter it capitalized
- When someone's done speaking, you end the statement with a comma, exclamation point, or question mark usually. Occasionally a period's to be used if the situation's right.
- commas are also used so that you can break up long sentences into smaller, more readable phrases.

Fifth: exposition. Exposition's inevitable in storytelling. At some point you need to inform the reader about parts of your story. But the problem is, when you use exposition, the big question is to ask yourself "is there a better way of doing this?" This is where having three separate chapters to introduce us to the girls would have been better; rather than just gloss over their powers in a conversation we could see them in action, either in combat or in other ways. In addition, some important things that should have had a LOT of exposition, like the council, have so little I was afraid that I had missed something along the way!

I'll be blunt with you: salvaging this story by just going into the next chapters and trying to work with it would be fairly stupid. You really need to go back and write a chapter of the same length as you did the first time, except focus on only ONE of your main protagonists. Then do the next chapter on one of the remaining two. Then do the next on the third. THEN take things from there, possibly having setting them up going on this journey and then starting with them all there and meeting this person.

Yes, it's extra work and yes it's hard. But it's necessary to make this story not just good, but fulfilling. Right now everything stilted and it doesn't flow. The pacing's too fast, the characters need more depth (or we need to *see* that depth), the plot at this point is almost non-existent, and your sentence structure needs work (or at least Open Office.)

So yeah. I'm sorry if this sounded harsher than what you were expecting but you deserve to know exactly where to stand so you know how you can improve, and I'll be damned if I don't do my part to help you.

[Chimera]

Its really interesting, and i like "interesting" in story because it make it fun to read!
I think its really long but great i want to read more