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That special song |
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Apr 24 2010, 2:30 PM
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Cosmix Fairy
Group: Members
Posts: 3,850
Joined: September 7 2007
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Well, P-Girl beat me to the first big critique of the first chapter, which was punctuation, but there's still a few other things.
So far, not much has happened. What <i>has</i> happened for the most part is fairly cliche, like the whole "one single tear going down my cheek." That should really only be done in cases when someone's ridiculously stoic and you want to show their shell breaking while at the same time not undoing their characterization. In this case, we don't know much about the protagonist, but she doesn't seem to be a stoic, and crying just because her favorite place was deserted makes no real sense.
Also: the purple prose. Holy cow the purple prose.
You don't need to always throw in adjectives to make sentences longer. You throw in too many words to describe something and the sentence will end up just dragging for no good reason.
"I fell on to my bed before opening up the record player on the nearby desk." flows <i>much</i> better than "I fell on to my white cosy bed and opened up a dark deep purple record player that had been on my bedside table for at least 20 ansient years."
Remember, you're writing this from someone's perspective... people usually don't ramble on like this for a whole sentence without reason. If the character had spent a paragraph describing her bedroom, that would have been perfectly fine; it would have let us get a grasp of her living conditions. Going out of your way to just randomly throw in information during a sentence is inefficient storytelling and can leave people confused.
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Hey, look! My sig's back!
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Apr 27 2010, 7:00 AM
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Cosmix Fairy
Group: Honor Members
Posts: 35,744
Joined: April 7 2007
From: Behind a PC
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Indeed. I never meant to hurt people, I just wanted to help. And even if the story is about feelings, this doesn't, in my eyes, give a free pass on questionable capitalisation. Most of my stories are about feelings to, yet I really care about proper capitalisation and grammar.. It's good to see you want to improve, but this 'I don't care for capitalisation' is, and I'm just being honest here, a bit disheartening. Writing, including the technical bits like grammar and capitalisation are important to me, and I feel (I FEEL, people. An opinion, not a fact) that they should be followed if you want to be a good writer.
This post has been edited by P-girl: Apr 27 2010, 7:02 AM
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